2 years since

I can't believe it. It was two years ago tonight that it all started to go wrong. Kherrington hadn't moved all day, so off to the hospital we went. Where they reassured me and sent me home. They were just doing their job...sort of... I could have asked for more tests. I could have just gone to the "better" hospital. But for whatever reason I didn't.

Two years. Since then I've worked a little, been pregnant again, and had her rainbow sister (Kaedence), who is 10 months old. Time... they say it heals all wounds, but I don't believe that. If that was true, this wouldn't hurt. It isn't "easier" because we have Kaedence, but it does make it "different". She has the ability to make me smile when I feel my worst. She doesn't realize the significance of this weekend, or Kherrington's angel-versary and birthday. It will be a few years before she does. She (Kaedence) is starting to look more like her sister did. The shape of her cheeks are changing with her teeth coming in. As I was rocking her the other night I suddenly saw a resemblance.

I wonder if EVERY year, on these days, I will look at the clock and remember where I was, or what I was doing? Probably...

Tomorrow is "the day". I said to my DH today "I'm not sure which day hurts more, tomorrow, or her birthday?" He said "They all do". Very true, remembering those days between her death and her birth. The tears, the awful decisions that no parent should ever have to make, the people around us, the people who called, and even, the occasional smile. Those smiles were strained, but they did happen.

Rest in peace my baby. We miss you EVERYDAY!

"Lord make me a rainbow,
I'll shine down on my mother.
She'll know I'm safe with you,
when she stands under my colours...

A penny for my thoughts?
Oh no, I'll sell them for a dollar.
They're worth so much more,
after I'm a goner.
And maybe then you'll hear the words I've been singing,
Funny when your dead, how people start listening...

The sharp knife, of a short life..."

When I see you again.

I heard this song today for the first time. It is by the Canadian band Emerson Drive, and was dedicated to their former bass player who took his own life. What more can I say?

My radio debut!

I wanted to share this with you all! The Great Strides Walk for Cystic Fibrosis Canada is tomorrow afternoon. Earlier this past week, I was approached by the organizers of the walk and asked if I could do a radio interview. This is the result! The version that aired during the news was quite a bit shorter, but still mentioned the loss of Kherrington. She is, after all, the inspiration behind our team.."Kheri's Crusaders".

So go ahead.. listen HERE (I expect that the story on their website will expire in a few days).

Mother's Day

So, I didn't get a chance to post here last Sunday for International Baby-lost Mother's day, so I am going to do so now.

Mother's Day this year is a different experience for me compared to last year. Last year I wanted the day to just go away. I really didn't celebrate "Mother's Day" as I had just lost Kherrington, and I wasn't pregnant yet with Kaedence. I was in that "space between".

Last night we had some new friends stop by the house to drop off a few things for Kaedence. Their little girl was with them and she was just precious. She was born February 25, 2010...one day before Kherrington's due date. She was walking, screaming, climbing, laughing and playing. She was just so full of life. When I looked at her, I could see what we missed with Kherrington. I watched her play while I was feeding our rainbow. I know that without Kherrington, we wouldn't have Kaedence, and that makes this Mother's day bittersweet... I'm sure they will all be this way.

Much peace to all mother's today. Whether your babies are here in this world, or are in another.

If heaven wasn't so far away...

As I lay here, typing this post with one hand, because I am cuddling Kherrington's little sister on my chest with the other, it is starting to "sink in"... I missed this with Kheri. Kaedence is starting to grow so quickly that I just want time to stop. I feel like I haven't had enough time with Kaedence over the past 3 weeks... or I should say, I haven't had enough positive snuggle time. It seems like every time I am holding her she is crying because she is hungry, dirty, wet or we're trying to give her a bath.. :S

Anyway, back to the purpose of my post. I heard this song the other day for the first time, and I instantly thought of Kheri.
"If Heaven wasn't so far away,
I'd pack up the kids and go for the day...
... And losing them wouldn't be so hard to take,
If heaven wasn't so far away."

*sigh* I miss her...

Some distance...

I realized yesterday, that it has been nearly a month since my last post, and I don't know where the time has gone. Actually, that is not true, I do know. We are so focused on getting "Bump" here right now, that a lot of other things have been set aside, at least for now.

Kherrington's 13 months "dirth/birthday" slipped right past me. After her first birthday passed, I think her spirit/soul moved a little farther to allow room for her little sister to arrive. There isn't a day that goes by that we don't think about her, and she is the reason why we are so anxious for her little sister to get here. I guess, I didn't give her 13 month "dirth/birthday" much thought because in life, we don't mark birthdays by the month after the first birthday.

I have a feeling that my posts here might become even rarer over the next few months. I am finding, that as our rainbow baby's arrival draws near, I am finding it difficult to read baby-loss blogs. It makes me worry even more, to read about all the things that can go wrong during birth. Cord accidents, brain trauma, broken bones, meconium aspiration, or respiratory failure. To read about these things is just "too much" right now. I am filled with worry, and I am exhausted from it. I mentioned this to my Obstetrician yesterday and she said "you have pregnancy exhaustion right now... not physically, but mentally". I wish I could turn it off...but I have tried, and I can't. I know that after "bump" gets here, the worries will change. I am still reading MOST of your posts..but I will admit, that selfishly, I am finding it hard. I apologize to my followers, and BLMs for my absence right now, and I hope you can understand. Please know that I do think of you, your stories, and your lost little ones. Who knows, maybe after "bump" arrives, I will need to write more... only time will tell.

Great Strides..and introducing "Kheri's Crusaders"!

It is hard to believe it, but the time has come to start collecting pledges for the Great Strides walk for the Cystic Fibrosis Canada. Last year, I collected pledges as an individual. This year, my DH and I have decided to try and assemble a team, which we have named "Kheri's Crusaders". The walk is on May 29th, 2010 and I have set our fundraising goal pretty high, but I really think we can do it. Please visit my personal page and our team's page to follow our progress, and to make a donation (if you'd like). We really appreciate all the support we can get, and every dollar counts. No donation is too small, to help support the patients and their families who fight this disease, and to remember those who have lost their fight.