"... These words are my diary, screaming out loud. And I know that you'll use them however you want to..."

Friday, April 30, 2010

A Mother? Or not a Mother? That is the question...

This past Monday, I went to glamour day at a local salon with my bestie from My Life In Purple. This picture is the result of that day. It was brought to my attention by another wonderful lady that went with us, that it was a fitting picture of me at this time in my life, where I am looking up.

Next Sunday is Mother's Day.... Huh. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I think I would like to just put a boycott on the entire day.

I have been seeing a grief counsellor who was assigned to our case at the hospital when I delivered Kherrington. At the end of our session last month, she pulled out her schedule to make an appointment for this month. She looked at the calendar and said "How about the week after Mother's day? I think it would be a good idea." I thought, "Okay..if you say so!", thinking that Mother's day will affect me on the same level that her due date did. As just another day on the calendar, that once meant something, but no longer applies to my life.

As the day gets closer, I have mixed opinions. I'm not okay with the fact that Mother's day is no longer a day that is for me. I feel like a mom on one small level. I carried my child, I set up a nursery for my child, I gave "birth" to my child, and I held my child. But that is the end of it, those moments were temporary, and fleeting. After holding my child, I had to give my child back, with only pictures, her ashes, and fading memories to cling to. As each month passes, those days, and my role as a mother, seem farther and farther away. I think of my child daily, wondering what kind of trouble she's getting into, and missing being the one to see her get into that trouble. Part of me wishes that Mother's day would just come and go, without me realizing it. I could just realize on Monday that "Oh, yesterday was Mother's day, fancy that!". But alas, I don't think that will happen.

The topic of Mother's day came up in a conversation I had with my husband last weekend. We talked a bit about our confusing roles as "parents" at this time. We agreed, that if we are going to do anything, we'll plant a tree for Kheri instead. This Sunday (May 2nd) is International Baby Lost Mother's Day, I think that will be a fitting alternative to Mother's day. My child was stillborn, yet she was still born. As I am a Mother on some levels, but not a mother in the physical "reality" sense. Mother's Day, it seems that is just beyond my reach.


  1. I'll make it permanent here on your blog as well:

    You are, right now, and will ALWAYS be, a better mother to Kherrington. You always have her on your mind, you always think of what she would be doing/what she would like/what you would be doing with her.... You GET life, and you understand how precious every moment is. Other women will complain about the things that you WANT to see....and THIS is what makes you a wonderful and beautiful mother.

  2. ALSO, I have this picture up at my desk with my last picture of the two of you.

    The day doesn't have to be Mother's Day, but you can make it Kherrington Day. She was an oddball anyway, she gets several special days :)

  3. From one mom to another. You are and always will be a mom.

    Lv U

  4. You are a mother she still lives in your heart and memory. Have a wonderful weekend.

  5. Being a parent isn't something you just suddenly stop being. You had a child, just because you no longer have her doesn't mean you're not a mother.

  6. I agree with everyone here Mo ...A mother is someone who loves their child no matter where they are or what they are doing. You carried her, worried about what her life would have been like and to this day worry about her still. That is what makes a mother ..There are women that have children but they aren't mothers. Kheri will be in heaven on mothers day sending you her love. Be it rainy , sunny or windy that is what she is sending you so that you know she is there ..The rain, the sun or the wind hitting your face is her and always will be!

  7. Today we planted a Lavender Chiffon Rose of Sharon in Kherrington's memory.
    Gramma & Grampa

  8. You are my daughters mother and I love you both.