2 years since

I can't believe it. It was two years ago tonight that it all started to go wrong. Kherrington hadn't moved all day, so off to the hospital we went. Where they reassured me and sent me home. They were just doing their job...sort of... I could have asked for more tests. I could have just gone to the "better" hospital. But for whatever reason I didn't.

Two years. Since then I've worked a little, been pregnant again, and had her rainbow sister (Kaedence), who is 10 months old. Time... they say it heals all wounds, but I don't believe that. If that was true, this wouldn't hurt. It isn't "easier" because we have Kaedence, but it does make it "different". She has the ability to make me smile when I feel my worst. She doesn't realize the significance of this weekend, or Kherrington's angel-versary and birthday. It will be a few years before she does. She (Kaedence) is starting to look more like her sister did. The shape of her cheeks are changing with her teeth coming in. As I was rocking her the other night I suddenly saw a resemblance.

I wonder if EVERY year, on these days, I will look at the clock and remember where I was, or what I was doing? Probably...

Tomorrow is "the day". I said to my DH today "I'm not sure which day hurts more, tomorrow, or her birthday?" He said "They all do". Very true, remembering those days between her death and her birth. The tears, the awful decisions that no parent should ever have to make, the people around us, the people who called, and even, the occasional smile. Those smiles were strained, but they did happen.

Rest in peace my baby. We miss you EVERYDAY!

"Lord make me a rainbow,
I'll shine down on my mother.
She'll know I'm safe with you,
when she stands under my colours...

A penny for my thoughts?
Oh no, I'll sell them for a dollar.
They're worth so much more,
after I'm a goner.
And maybe then you'll hear the words I've been singing,
Funny when your dead, how people start listening...

The sharp knife, of a short life..."

When I see you again.

I heard this song today for the first time. It is by the Canadian band Emerson Drive, and was dedicated to their former bass player who took his own life. What more can I say?

My radio debut!

I wanted to share this with you all! The Great Strides Walk for Cystic Fibrosis Canada is tomorrow afternoon. Earlier this past week, I was approached by the organizers of the walk and asked if I could do a radio interview. This is the result! The version that aired during the news was quite a bit shorter, but still mentioned the loss of Kherrington. She is, after all, the inspiration behind our team.."Kheri's Crusaders".

So go ahead.. listen HERE (I expect that the story on their website will expire in a few days).

Mother's Day

So, I didn't get a chance to post here last Sunday for International Baby-lost Mother's day, so I am going to do so now.

Mother's Day this year is a different experience for me compared to last year. Last year I wanted the day to just go away. I really didn't celebrate "Mother's Day" as I had just lost Kherrington, and I wasn't pregnant yet with Kaedence. I was in that "space between".

Last night we had some new friends stop by the house to drop off a few things for Kaedence. Their little girl was with them and she was just precious. She was born February 25, 2010...one day before Kherrington's due date. She was walking, screaming, climbing, laughing and playing. She was just so full of life. When I looked at her, I could see what we missed with Kherrington. I watched her play while I was feeding our rainbow. I know that without Kherrington, we wouldn't have Kaedence, and that makes this Mother's day bittersweet... I'm sure they will all be this way.

Much peace to all mother's today. Whether your babies are here in this world, or are in another.

If heaven wasn't so far away...

As I lay here, typing this post with one hand, because I am cuddling Kherrington's little sister on my chest with the other, it is starting to "sink in"... I missed this with Kheri. Kaedence is starting to grow so quickly that I just want time to stop. I feel like I haven't had enough time with Kaedence over the past 3 weeks... or I should say, I haven't had enough positive snuggle time. It seems like every time I am holding her she is crying because she is hungry, dirty, wet or we're trying to give her a bath.. :S

Anyway, back to the purpose of my post. I heard this song the other day for the first time, and I instantly thought of Kheri.
"If Heaven wasn't so far away,
I'd pack up the kids and go for the day...
... And losing them wouldn't be so hard to take,
If heaven wasn't so far away."

*sigh* I miss her...

Some distance...

I realized yesterday, that it has been nearly a month since my last post, and I don't know where the time has gone. Actually, that is not true, I do know. We are so focused on getting "Bump" here right now, that a lot of other things have been set aside, at least for now.

Kherrington's 13 months "dirth/birthday" slipped right past me. After her first birthday passed, I think her spirit/soul moved a little farther to allow room for her little sister to arrive. There isn't a day that goes by that we don't think about her, and she is the reason why we are so anxious for her little sister to get here. I guess, I didn't give her 13 month "dirth/birthday" much thought because in life, we don't mark birthdays by the month after the first birthday.

I have a feeling that my posts here might become even rarer over the next few months. I am finding, that as our rainbow baby's arrival draws near, I am finding it difficult to read baby-loss blogs. It makes me worry even more, to read about all the things that can go wrong during birth. Cord accidents, brain trauma, broken bones, meconium aspiration, or respiratory failure. To read about these things is just "too much" right now. I am filled with worry, and I am exhausted from it. I mentioned this to my Obstetrician yesterday and she said "you have pregnancy exhaustion right now... not physically, but mentally". I wish I could turn it off...but I have tried, and I can't. I know that after "bump" gets here, the worries will change. I am still reading MOST of your posts..but I will admit, that selfishly, I am finding it hard. I apologize to my followers, and BLMs for my absence right now, and I hope you can understand. Please know that I do think of you, your stories, and your lost little ones. Who knows, maybe after "bump" arrives, I will need to write more... only time will tell.

Great Strides..and introducing "Kheri's Crusaders"!

It is hard to believe it, but the time has come to start collecting pledges for the Great Strides walk for the Cystic Fibrosis Canada. Last year, I collected pledges as an individual. This year, my DH and I have decided to try and assemble a team, which we have named "Kheri's Crusaders". The walk is on May 29th, 2010 and I have set our fundraising goal pretty high, but I really think we can do it. Please visit my personal page and our team's page to follow our progress, and to make a donation (if you'd like). We really appreciate all the support we can get, and every dollar counts. No donation is too small, to help support the patients and their families who fight this disease, and to remember those who have lost their fight.

Feb 6th: Her Birthday

For some reason I don't have a lot to say today. A year ago, at this time, they were getting me ready to push. Kheri was born at 10:32am after 2 1/2 hours of pushing. Today seems to bring some relief. I feel awful for saying it, but I am relieved that this First "anniversary/birthday/dirthday" (whatever it should be called) is almost over. It has been a long 3 days.

Happy First Birthday Kheri, we miss you. Be sure to smear that cake (and especially the frosting) EVERYWHERE!

February 3 : Her first "angel-versary"

"Angel-versary"... "Anniversary".. "Date of Death".. The list goes on and on, but there really isn't a nice way to say "This is the day my baby died". I have struggled with what to write here for some time (the last month at least), and I think I'll just let my rambling thoughts take over.

A year ago today, we thought we were just going for a "routine" ultrasound to check the fluid levels. After that, we went to prenatal, where they told us that everything on the ultrasound looked fine, and I would see my specialist the next day. The doctor decided to to a prenatal checkup, and her heart beat was gone...three hours after seeing her alive on an ultrasound. Since then, I have come to find out, that the radiologist's report of that ultrasound noted that there was fluid around the bowels. I guess, what I am struggling with, is why didn't they tell me? What did the report that the doctor was holding in his hand say? Did he lie to me? Or worse! This is a terrible thought that I have carried with me since I found out about the ultrasound report last March; Could they see that something was going horribly wrong? And did they know that because of the lack of a NICU at that hospital, and the time it would take to get to one (an hour), that my daughter would likely die, and did they just let it happen?? I have thought writing a letter to the radiologist, the ultrasound technician, and the doctor who discovered that she was gone, and ask them for an explanation. But, I know that they would likely lie to me anyway, so they don't "upset" me in my current "fragile" state.

So, as I sit here, obsessively kick counting bump's every movement (thanks to the recent ultrasound findings of low amniotic fluid), I still can't believe a year has passed since she died. In many ways, it feels like a lifetime ago. But, in other ways, it feels just like yesterday. I am procrastinating on getting the nursery ready for "Bump". As I look around that room, So much of Kheri remains. She is still, physically, in that room. I moved her ashes (concealed inside a plush teddy bear), from the crib, to the hammock with the other toys. Then I moved it 24 hours later to the little rocking chair that is a family heirloom. It didn't seem right to just push her up there with the other toys...not yet anyway. She'll probably remain in that chair for a while, as I can't imagine where else to put her. I put her memory box in the closet, because I couldn't think of another place for it where it wouldn't get covered (and ruined) by dust. Slowly, pieces of her are being moved aside to make room for her little sister. I really have a fair amount of work to do in there before "bump" arrives, and yet I continue to put it off. Bump's movements have changed in the last few days...increasing my paranoia, and certainly not making these days any easier.

We don't have anything planned yet for her "birthday", which is Sunday. I'm not sure what I want to do, what I should do, or even what I need to do on that day. We have been invited to a couple of Superbowl parties, and I have declined the invitation to one. It is too bloody cold outside to do anything there, and everything is covered by nearly a foot of snow anyway. We'll see what the day brings. I can easily see nothing happening, and I think I'd be OK with that.

A year ago today, our lives changed forever. I know that next year we will still feel the same, and even 20 years from now we will reflect on her short little life. A year ago, we discovered that she was gone, and that night I didn't sleep at all. I wrote a post in the wee hours of the morning, and I mentioned a song. That song has been playing in my head the last few days, and certainly seems appropriate. I know that every year, I will wonder, who she'd be today...





Sunny days seem to hurt the most,
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
I feel you everywhere I go.
I see your smile, I see your face
I hear you laughing in the rain.
Still can't believe you're gone.

It ain't fair you died too young.
Like a story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowing no one could take your place.
Sometimes I wonder, who you'd be today.

Would you see the world?
Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family?
I wonder, what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue,
I feel like I can talk to you
And I know it might sound crazy

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
The only thing that gives me hope..
Is I know, I'll see you again someday.

A quick Christmas reflection

I know this post is really late, but I felt it was necessary. Since the holidays, I've had a chance to reflect on the "most wonderful time of the year", and it has taken me a while to come up with something to say. Over Christmas, I did whatever I could to avoid awkward family get togethers. I didn't feel the need to honour any "traditions" this year, and with my husband working both Christmas and boxing day, I knew I wouldn't have him to go to the "dinners" with. I ended up going to my girl's(Iris, from My Life In Purple) parent's place for Christmas day. We had a quiet, laid back day, with a great meal, and "Santa" even left something for me. I am so grateful for that safe haven on Christmas day!

On boxing day, there were two family dinners, and both of them were with my hubby' family. My family lives in Ontario, and I haven't been there for Christmas in 6 years, mostly due to the 15 hour drive, and the horrible weather that can happen at that time of year. I opted to go to the meal that was closer to home, and where it would likely be more peaceful for my soul. Mostly because my hubby's grandmother hasn't been well, and I thought that I should be there. I missed the other family dinner, and looking at the pictures, I am glad that I didn't go. My hubby's cousin's both have little ones. One cousin has the eldest little girl, and she is expecting again and is due three weeks before I am. The other cousin had her little one last year just before Christmas. At last year's gathering we were all talking about what it would be like "next year" with three little girls in the house. A picture was even taken of the three little ones.

As you can see, there is someone missing from these next two pictures, and these pictures just confirmed that I had made the right decision to not attend that family dinner.

11 months- Am I crazy?

**ATTENTION BABY LOST MOMS AND DADS, AND CARING FOLLOWERS - I am seeking your advice in this post**

So, in two days, (or on the 6th of January), 11 months will have passed since Kherrington's birth, and with only one more month until her first "birthday", I am a little "on edge". There are still many preparations that I should be doing for "bump" 's arrival, and yet I keep putting it off. I keep saying "I'll wait a few more weeks" or "don't spend money just yet", and I hate it. I hate the apprehension, I hate the tension, and I hate the fact that I just can't relax. I think I am most relaxed when "bump" is throwing a dance party in my uterus, or when there is a doppler microphone picking up her heart-beat, or when the specialist takes pictures and says "Baby looks fine". As I type this, and contemplate where this post will go, I wonder if it would be better to post it on my rainbow blog, but I think I will leave it here. I don't think I would be feeling this way if Kherrington was alive.

I am eager to have Kheri's birthday come and go. Much like most "anniversaries" and landmark events, the days leading up to it, are far worse than the actual day. I don't know what we'll do, or if we'll really do anything at all. It is difficult to really plan anything when it has the potential to be really cold, and more than likely her tree is buried under 3 feet of snow. I think maybe we'll wait until the spring, and make an addition to her "tree area"...perhaps turn it into a garden.


Kheri's passing is affecting how I want things to be after "bump" 's arrival. When we were expecting Kherrington, I think my attitude was "Well, a little privacy for a short while will be nice, but after that, the more the merrier!" I wanted Kherrington to be passed around a room full of people. But I know that with this baby it will be very different. I am feeling the need for privacy after her birth and homecoming (I know we will likely have more visitors at the hospital, than we will ever see at the house). I really feel this with our rainbow because we know that she may be our only biological child. We have discussed adoption for our second child (should we decide we want a second child), and we know that our chances of getting a new born in an adoption situation are slim to none.

I remember all too well how I felt physically after Kherrington's birth, and now, I'm trying to comprehend what it will be like to add our rainbow baby and all the emotions she will bring, to the physical discomfort. This thought makes me want to lock the door, and close the blinds. I remember my grief counsellor's warning that this rainbow's arrival might be difficult, and that it sparks a different reaction in every couple. I really don't know if my ramblings today are making any sense or not, but I guess I'm thinking more and more that I want to be able to pick and choose who visits, and when. I'm thinking that for at least the first week, that unless someone is dropping off a meal, or coming to clean my house, I think DH and I will want to spend as much time as possible with "bump", bonding and learning about her, before he has to return to work. I am wondering, and thinking, that it might be "good for the soul, when there's not a soul in sight".

**WARNING: TMI rant coming up. I know that you BLMs you can relate!**

Also, it is hard to be hospitable, or even a decent and pleasant human being, when your vagina (and entire crotch) feels like it has been repeatedly beaten with a baseball bat, and looks like it too. You walk around with ice in your underwear, you easily flood a pad when you stand up, and you're still cramping and contracting. An empty house really is needed when you are trying not to scream when you pee, while spraying yourself with a warm water bottle. I'm not even going to go into what that first bowel movement is like. Or the fact that you might think you're done in the shower, and you turn off the water, only to look down and see your legs covered in blood, and have to start all over again. I haven't included the joys of breastfeeding because I haven't experienced them. I did have the engorgement though, and the tears that come when you gently remove a bra from your engorged breasts and you feel like they just might explode. These are all the things that people never talk about when they have a baby, and facts of life, that are often not considered by those well intentioned guests who say "Smile, you just had a baby!"

Kherrington's death has forced us to become selfish. I have been re-assured by my counsellor that this selfishness is necessary for our survival as individuals and as a couple, and perhaps it was necessary all along. She said during one session "Perhaps you have spent too much time in your life worrying about hurting others, and not enough time looking after yourself, and what you want." I have been re-playing these words in my mind the last few weeks, as we prepare for the likely arrival of our rainbow.

I am hoping for some feedback from other rainbow moms, or anyone who has been around baby lost parents when they bring home a rainbow. What was your first week after your rainbow's birth like? For expectant rainbow moms, how do you feel that your angel's passing is going to affect your rainbow's "baby moon" ? I know how I feel, I guess the problem is admitting it. I guess I'm just looking for other BLMs and dads who have been there, to tell me I'm not crazy? (Feel free to tell me I'm crazy if you want to... I'll just tune it out ;P Besides, I have been told repeatedly that I'm still allowed to be selfish when it comes to this "life after a dead baby" thing. )

A new year...and new hope.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all my followers! I have to say that 2010 has to be one of the most bittersweet years of my life.
We awaited Kherrington's arrival in January, and worked hard to prepare a nursery. Then we had to say hello and goodbye over the course of 3 days in February. We shopped for an urn and memorial jewellery instead of having a baby shower and buying all the last minute things she would need. In March we had a memorial, and got our tattoos in April. Somehow, we managed to survive the rest of the spring. I returned to work in May, and my DH graduated from the Paramedic Academy in July. We found out we were expecting July 31st, my DH started his job in August. With each passing week this fall and winter, our little rainbow is shining brighter and brighter.
Now here we are at Christmas, and then a New Year. Soon after the start of 2011, we will mark Kheri's first birthday. It is hard to believe we're approaching her first "angelversary" or "Birthday". Within 6 weeks of her birthday, we hope to be celebrating the live and safe arrival of our rainbow. Goodbye 2010, a year of highs and lows. A year of breathless moments.

"Life's not the breath you take,
The Breathing in and out.
That gets you through the day,
Ain't what it's all about.
You just might miss the point,
Trying to win the race.
Life's not the breaths you take,
But the moments that take your breath away.."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OTnydJZjWio

10 months

So in the hectic insanity that was the last few days, I forgot to write a post yesterday :( We went to Fredericton (1 hour away) for an ultrasound and OB appointment for our rainbow baby. The weather wasn't the best, and we got home late. Kherrington would have been 10 months old yesterday, and probaby trying to pull herself up on the Christmas tree. I wonder who would have eaten more needles off the tree..her or the cats? In many ways I can't believe it is December already. Time marches on...

Our deepest fear.

I have had several discussions recently with other BLMs, friends, family, doctors, colleagues and acquaintances, about the power behind being a baby-lost parent. The power that comes with talking about your dead child, and the power in the words "my baby died". It is like a brick, shattering through the "crystal palace dreams" that some people have about life.

When you tell an unsuspecting person that your baby died, the expression on their face usually tells it all. Their shock, dismay, and guilt is usually summed up with an "I'm so sorry, I didn't know... If I had known, I wouldn't have....That is just awful". Sometimes a tear or two, a unsuspecting hug, or you just see the shoulders slump, and the head drop. It really just lets the air out of the high flying balloon that they were riding that day. And that is a powerful thing. It is very powerful that my daughter and I have that power to make people stop..and potentially think.

I remember when Kherrington passed away. As a mother, and as a woman, I felt inadequate and a failure. I couldn't even pick up on the fact that something was wrong. What kind of parent was I. But with LOTS of counselling, and the ability to talk about her, I have discovered that us baby lost parents are powerful beings.

I was watching a movie this afternoon..Coach Carter. It is based on a true story of a coach of a inner city basketball team. While trying to change a young man who was heading for trouble, this coach repeatedly asked him "What is your deepest fear?". The young man answered with this, and I instantly paused the video and wrote it down. As baby lost parents we have plenty of fears, but it think for most of us, this sums it up.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were all meant to shine, just as children do. It is not just in some of us, it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

9 months

So, Kherrington would be 9 months old tomorrow. What do I say to that? It seems as though time has slipped away from us, especially with "bump" growing and showing us that she is there.

Kherrington sure left her mark, like we knew she would. I'm pretty sure she is what is making me pause and say "was that your sister kicking?..no.. it is just gas. If I knew it was your sister for sure, I'd go crazy when she is not moving". She is what made me fill my arms with cute onesies last week at the superstore, then pause and put them all back on the rack, when I realized "I have stuff at home". She is the voice in my head that says "Just wait a few more weeks before opening up that room or buying a lot of stuff".

About two weeks ago at work, I was working with one of the supervisors on a project. When our meeting was finished, we were just chatting about this pregnancy, and about Kheri. He looked at me and said "But you know, when this one comes along, you'll forget all about her"... My heart skipped, my jaw dropped. My biggest fear is people forgetting. I know we sure won't, but I know some people will. He continued to say "When this one comes, you'll be so happy that it will make it better for you". I immediately said " No, I don't think so. I know I can't forget. I know I'll wonder in the fall of 2028 which college/university she would have gone to". He then did what most people do...stutter and trip over their words until they finally just shut up.

Anyway, Kheri would be 9 months old tomorrow. That is all.

Stormy weather

So today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day, and the weather matches my mood…stormy.

First, I had a horrible night, where I didn’t sleep longer than 2 or 3 hours at a time, and I was up to the bathroom almost every hour after 3 am, really for no apparent reason. Then I went to work, where I am frustrated because I am continually asking for help and not getting any, and with a deadline looming. We are also experiencing a “weather bomb”, lots of rain and stronger winds that we had seen when "hurricane Earl" threatened our routines. If it was a few degrees colder the driving conditions would be awful, there were tricky without any snow.

So I was browsing the Internet during my lunch break and re-visited Glow in the Woods. I find it helpful to return there on occasion, and I will admit that it has been months since I have read any posts on the forum. I found a post the spoke to me, after the recent comment made on my “Dear lost follower” post.

“I don't think we have a duty to be nice to people hitting us where it hurts…..I do not believe we owe it to anyone to keep quiet. (I'll go further-- some of the shit people say, they really should feel bad about.) I don't think the one in pain should also be responsible for gracefully articulating where and exactly how much it hurts. Luckily for me, most of my friends don't think that either.”

I think that says it all. This is my space, and I will use it however I need to. If someone doesn't like it, then don’t read it, it is that simple. Soldiers have fought and died so that we can ALL have these freedoms. We ALL have the freedom to read whatever we want and to not read whatever offends our senses. We ALL also have the choice to read it, take offense, and then go complain about it in our own way. As the phrase under my header at the top of this blog says “These words are my diary screaming out loud, and I know that you’ll use them however you want to”… But know that I will not be censored.

So peace today to all my fellow baby lost parents, and those who are share their journey. We don’t have to be quiet, we don’t have to be pleasant, but we most certainly will be better mothers, fathers and friends to those who truly love and support us. An excellent grief counsellor has taught me that we get to be, whatever we need to be in the moment. Nothing more, and certainly, nothing less.

Dear lost follower...

So, I signed into my blogger this morning and I noticed that you had stopped following my blog. I can't say as though I am surprised, I was actually more surprised when you started following it in the first place. I didn't think you cared enough, and through e-mail correspondence you told me you followed my blog because you felt that it was "heart felt"... So what changed? I don't know what could me more heart felt than sharing the most intimate moments of my daughter's birth yesterday. Moments that we have held close to us until now.

SO, is the problem that pictures of my dead daughter make YOU uncomfortable?? If that is the case you need to put on your big girl panties and take a step into reality. Is the problem that you think my blog is too depressing for your little happy reality... GET OVER IT! "Life 'aint always what you think it ought to be. 'Aint even grey but she buries her baby"...

Last year, I wrote a post that referred to you. Perhaps you didn't realize it at the time (This same post also referred to someone else as well). You did this same thing to me last year, then begged to be my friend when my daughter died. Is the problem that I didn't let you in? What do you expect? YOU cut ME out of YOUR life last year. Then when tragedy struck, you thought you could waltz back in and be my friend. NO!! You don't get to use my daughter like that!!! I told you that you could feel free to read my blog and left it at that. I am so glad now that I didn't let you completely into my life. If I could block you, I would.

You say in a recent blog post of your own that you only want to be surrounded by people who grow and change. I don't know of two other people who have grown so much in one year as my dh and I. Perhaps you should look into the mirror and see how much you have grown since high school.

You know what? I am glad you've stopped following. I no longer have to consider you as I write my posts and comment on others blogs. Good bye to a "toxic friend" as Iris would say. Please don't come back, I promise I will not let you get close...at all...

*** I would like to place a note here. To the rest of my followers, please don't think that I would ever write this about any of my BLM friends and understanding listeners who decide that they need to move on from reading my blog. This was a "special case", and a person who is manipulative and caustic. I am pissed off, and I feel stupid for ever letting this person read my blog in the first place. I should have known better. Peace to all***

They came today...

We finally received the touched up pictures back from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. She did a great job! There are a few things I would change, if I could..I guess the biggest one would be the fact that I have to receive these pictures at all. The pictures should me happier, they should contain a screaming child, and the pictures should still be taken today..on what would be her first Thanksgiving.
But I am thankful that we have these pictures. They are the few treasures we cling to. Here are a few touched up pictures of our angel. As always, I have to put a picture of my dh and our girl from My Life In Purple.

Eight it is...

Kherrington would/should be 8 months old tomorrow. Now that we have the final autopsy results, and we are dealing with the rainbow on the way (who is a drama king/queen already!), it seems that time is flying faster than ever.

I still haven't opened the door to her room. I said I would to allow for a nice air exchange after the hot summer we had. But I figure the air exchanger is doing the work for me. I know, that if this is a boy, I'll have to pack up all of her things. If it is a girl, I will still have to pack up a few things, and re-wash everything else. I just keep putting it off (just like sharing our new secret with the Facebook world). I'll get around to it eventually, part of me doesn't want to, but I know I have to.

Happy 8 months my angel. Hope you're trying to talk up a storm up there (baby babbling)...and getting baby food EVERYWHERE!

Final Results

The specialist called this morning with the final results of Kherrington's autopsy. We had met with her in mid march and discussed the preliminary results of the autopsy, and she explained at the time that the final results would likely take 6 months.

Thankfully, there was no big suprises. Kherrington had CF, we knew that from the preliminary results. They noted the bowel obstruction, and the doctor informed me that Kheri's bowel had ruptured. That was a suprise to me. They had told us during the preliminary results that Kheri had a bowel obstruction or a twist in the bowel, and she likely bled to death internally. I guess that was the case, but I didn't equate that with the bowel actually rupturing.

The bowel ruptured... it sounds so painful. I am thankful that there were no other problems that she faced. She didn't have any chromosome problems, birth defects or other disorders. She was perfect otherwise, and always will be in our eyes.