I can't believe it. It was two years ago tonight that it all started to go wrong. Kherrington hadn't moved all day, so off to the hospital we went. Where they reassured me and sent me home. They were just doing their job...sort of... I could have asked for more tests. I could have just gone to the "better" hospital. But for whatever reason I didn't.
Two years. Since then I've worked a little, been pregnant again, and had her rainbow sister (Kaedence), who is 10 months old. Time... they say it heals all wounds, but I don't believe that. If that was true, this wouldn't hurt. It isn't "easier" because we have Kaedence, but it does make it "different". She has the ability to make me smile when I feel my worst. She doesn't realize the significance of this weekend, or Kherrington's angel-versary and birthday. It will be a few years before she does. She (Kaedence) is starting to look more like her sister did. The shape of her cheeks are changing with her teeth coming in. As I was rocking her the other night I suddenly saw a resemblance.
I wonder if EVERY year, on these days, I will look at the clock and remember where I was, or what I was doing? Probably...
Tomorrow is "the day". I said to my DH today "I'm not sure which day hurts more, tomorrow, or her birthday?" He said "They all do". Very true, remembering those days between her death and her birth. The tears, the awful decisions that no parent should ever have to make, the people around us, the people who called, and even, the occasional smile. Those smiles were strained, but they did happen.
Rest in peace my baby. We miss you EVERYDAY!
"Lord make me a rainbow,
I'll shine down on my mother.
She'll know I'm safe with you,
when she stands under my colours...
A penny for my thoughts?
Oh no, I'll sell them for a dollar.
They're worth so much more,
after I'm a goner.
And maybe then you'll hear the words I've been singing,
Funny when your dead, how people start listening...
The sharp knife, of a short life..."