"... These words are my diary, screaming out loud. And I know that you'll use them however you want to..."

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Christmas thanks!

Thanks to some great friends I now have my Christmas tree up and partially decorated. We left some ornaments off the tree for my husband to put on when he gets home from school next week, including the angel topper. Baby G and I would like to thank my buds Iris & Mr. Big, over at My life in purple, and Mrs.Lovely & her hubby at the Ideologies of Melissa, for their help and company last Saturday night. Good friends truly make Christmas brighter <3

Who will she be?

I had another appointment last week with the specialist. Everything is still the same, except she has grown! (Imagine that!) They estimated that she weighs roughly 3 pounds and is currently enjoying her breech position with her feet in front of her face (oh to be that flexible!). The specialist took some 3D and 4D pictures, as you can see. I came home from my appointment and immediately posted them on my Facebook account. Since then, I have heard ALL about, is who she looks like. The doctors first said that she looks like me, my hubby's family thinks she looks like him, and my family thinks she looks like them.
I am not sure who she looks like, and I often wonder who she will be. What will she do? Where will she go? Will she prefer meat and potatoes like her Dad? Or, enjoy her veggies like me? Or perhaps a little of each on her plate? I hope that she is ambitious, tolerant, happy, tough and sensitive (according to the situation), and most importantly, ___________ (<- insert her name here- to be revealed later!).

Thursday, December 3, 2009

When the weather is not so fair...

I feel the need to write, or is it vent? I am feeling hurt, and disappointed by a few people in my life.

You see, I think I have discovered who my true friends are. I knew well before hand, however, there are some people in my life who have disappointed me. Mostly with their level of selfishness, self-centeredness, and apparent disregard for me, my feelings, and the new family on the way.

I recently discovered, much to my dismay, that I had been "de-friended" by a "friend" on Facebook. This person, I thought was a friend of mine. When this was discovered, I initially thought that maybe it was a "glitch" in the Facebook system. Then, I saw this person last week, and they did not even look at me, but rather continued walking and pretended as though I did not wave at them, or yell "Hi ____". Now, I understand "through the grape-vine" that this person may have other "issues" however, it still sucks. I try to be sympathetic, but it appears that this person does not even want to "know" me, and to my knowledge I didn't even do anything!!! Can you imagine if I had "wronged" this person in some way?!

I have also found myself under attack recently, and I now feel that this relationship is damaged. I don't know how to repair it, and I really don't think the other person wants to. I have had encounters with this person since, and one recently where I felt like I was given the cold shoulder, and this individual was aloof. It makes for awkward situations and me walking away wondering what I did wrong. This one really hurts, because this person was really close to me, and now I wonder if something happened, if the person would even care?

The idea of people turning their backs breaks my heart, but I also realize that sometimes there is no way to save the sinking ship. Sometimes, you just have to learn, and move on.

While working away this afternoon, preparing the baby's room, and organizing the clutter, I heard this song on the satellite radio. I was raised around music, and I find that regardless of where you are in your life, there is always a song that speaks to you. This one spoke to me today. At a time in my life when I am so thankful for the angels around me, you know who you are, that I know I can lean on for support. These are people who would
"..never stop to think 'what's in it for me?' or 'its way too far', they just show on up, with their big 'ol heart... when the water's high, or the weather's not so fair..." (Please excuse the cheesy video, but it was the only decent version I could get on youtube on a empty stomach!)

As noted in my last post, the weather in my life right now is not always fair, I am so thankful there are people who will help me navigate the storms.


Friday, November 27, 2009

Fatigue with a chance of clouds...

I'm tired, and I'm having a hard time accepting it. I am now 27 weeks pregnant and the fatigue I am feeling is comparable to the first 10 weeks! My best bud over at My Life in Purple put it quite plainly this morning "I would be tired too if I was carrying around a whole other person, who was beating me up from the inside". I am usually awake every two hours at night, and even though I am no longer working, my days are full. You see, I have the baby's room to set up, two closets to organize, a desk to sell and a guest room to prepare all before the baby makes her grand entrance into the world. Then, when you put Christmas festivities in the middle of it all, there really is not a lot of time left.

I also have other things on my mind. It is like a cloud that occasionally blocks the sun on a "chance of clouds day". Last Monday, the specialist called with the results of the blood work. It appears that I am virus free, which sparked a small celebration. I reveled in that glory for a day and really felt that the blood work to test for the Cystic Fibrosis gene would come back negative. The call came on Tuesday afternoon, when the specialist candidly told me that both my husband and I carry the gene for Cystic Fibrosis. When the blood work is combined with the fact that she has an "echogenic bowel", she told me that the odds of our daughter having CF was greater than 50%. So now, we have more appointments, more ultrasounds and she will be born in a facility with a NICU. We will also be referred to the CF team at the IWK in Halifax, and a pediatrician. I have refused an amniocentesis, since it will not change anything, and the procedure itself scares the crap out of me. It is reassuring that the doctors are taking all of the proper precautions, and my hubby and I are trying to focus on the fact that she has a 40%+ chance that she will not have CF.

It is not the disease itself that scares me. The disease is manageable, and she should have a normal quality of life. It is the fact that she may be sick, and there is nothing I can do to help. I know that she'll get lots of love to compensate...

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Wordless Wednesday...

I found this on post-secret and found it applies to the lost relationships in my life... both friends and family...

Monday, October 26, 2009

Reflection and a little hope...

We got to see our little girl again last Friday, after being referred to a specialist for inconclusive results on our first ultrasound pertaining to the baby's bowels. This time my hubby was able to watch his little girl for the first time in 11 weeks. She put on quite a show, kicking and punching, she even hit herself in the head! She had her mouth wide open for one picture and the Doctor said "yep- there is not doubt its a girl, she's talking already!".

Then came the serious part. The doctor took many pictures of the baby's bowels and noted that her heart, stomach, kidneys, liver, brain, and spine all looked good. She then turned to us and said that the baby has a "bright" or "echogenic" bowel in that the bowel appears to be as bright as a bone on the ultrasound. She then started listing the possible causes of an "echogenic" bowel.

She spent a fair amount of time talking mostly about Cystic Fibrosis. I didn't know we could carry the gene even if no one in our family has it. So we signed up to have blood work done to see if we carry the gene. If either my husband or I carry the gene, then there is a 75% chance that the baby has CF. So we will wait another 2 - 3 weeks for the results of the genetic testing to know what our "odds" are, but ultimately we will not know until she is born.

She then talked about the congenital malformations of the bowel, which may be narrowing, a kink, blocked or obstructed bowel. This will be diagnosed by future ultrasounds at 28, 32 and 36 weeks. If this is the case then our baby will likely be born at IWK in Halifax, and will have surgery soon after birth to correct the problem.

There are other possibilities including a virus that I may be carrying. So I have had blood work for that too. It could also be caused by Downs Syndrome, however the doctor did not think that this was likely as our previous genetic testing did not indicate a high probability of Downs Syndrome and the baby does not have any other "Downs" characteristics.

The positive side of all of this is, our little girl is measuring "big" for her age! The doctor did note that most CF and Downs Syndrome babies are small for their age. So we reflected on this, and immediately took a positive outlook on the situation. There is nothing we can do until the baby is born, but we can prepare ourselves, and enjoy the pregnancy. I have a feeling that everything will be alright.

I was at the hospital again this morning for the blood work, and saw a 6 month old baby with Cerebral Palsy. I then saw several healthy babies, and wondered if the parents of healthy babies and children realize how lucky they are. I know I will...

Best Blog award

My best bud Iris at "My life in Purple" honoured me with this award. Thank-you! I am so new to the blog world that I am really not able to pass it along as the rules dictate. Check out the blogs I follow, those blogs are my "winners" :)

Wednesday, October 21, 2009


I have had a rough week. I am going to see a specialist this Friday to have another ultrasound. The radiologist was unable to get a good enough view of the baby's bowels to say that everything is OK. The doctors have reassured me that there is probably nothing wrong, since there are no other problems noted on my last ultrasound. But I am still nervous, and every once in a while the idea of "why would they send me to a specialist if they think there is nothing wrong?; why wouldn't they just do another ultrasound?" enters my brain.

With my hubby away at school, I really don't know where I'd be without my girl "auntie Iro". She has done her best this past week to keep me distracted, and even offered to take a day off work to accompany me to this next appointment (which is a 1 hour drive away). She has offered the services of Mr.Big to help clean bird guts off my window after a large bird committed suicide on my living room window this past Sunday. She and Mr. Big have included me in their plans, even including me to make a "crowd" at a wedding this past weekend, so that I would not have to go alone. She has offered to go to prenatal classes with me, invited me to attend cardio kickboxing classes, and we don't seem to go too many days without "checking in". I have even given her the title of "honorary Doula" in my birth process, as I feel she will be in the delivery room with my husband and I (if possible). She has introduced me to her soon to be sister-in-law, and I can see us creating an interesting trio!

It is the kind of friendship that comes easily, and I love her for it. SHE calls ME, rather than me having to be the one always "reaching out". SHE invites ME, SHE makes ME feel good about myself, and laughter is always guaranteed when we get together. Of course, I would like to think that I play a part in the calling and inviting too, but it is so nice to have someone who actually WANTS to spend time with me, and takes initiative in the friendship.

I don't know if she realizes how much all this means to me. Its the little things that she does to show that she cares. She brought Baby G her first present when I was 6 weeks pregnant. She is more like the sister I never had, than a friend. The best part is, we didn't have to go through years of sibling rivalry to get to this point! I truly believe we'll still be going for lunch, or even a drink, when we're little old ladies. Thank you... for all that you are... and for all that you have done for me.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Our Girl

I am 9 days behind the mark in writing this post, but I am still posting it regardless. On October 9, 2009, "Auntie Ro" and myself got a sneak peak at the little person growing inside me. We found out that there is a little girl in there, and even watched her swallow. Even though I was VERY uncomfortable since my bladder was overflowing, it was an amazing experience. My husband is away at school, and was unable to make it to the appointment. I was fully prepared to go by myself, but it was so nice to have someone else there with me to share my excitement with. It means a lot to me that she wants to be so involved - thank you!

Her movements are getting stronger every day, and it is the coolest feeling, until she puts a hand (or a foot) into my bladder!! It sends me running for the bathroom every time, but I wouldn't trade all of this peeing for the world.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Paper Jam???!!

I am still extremely bitter that I lost my fight with the fax machine at work yesterday. If you have not seen office space, I strongly recommend it! I am not an "office" person, and if I must work in that environment, all I ask is that the "tools" required for me to do my job WORK PROPERLY! When they don't work, my blood pressure goes up, and I feel the need to become destructive.

It was just a simple fax, I punched in the numbers, and the pages went through. As the pages went through two of them got stuck together, and the machine would not let them go, and the display screen said "document jam". So I pulled very hard on the pages and the fax machine finally let go, but I was unable to get rid of the "document jam" message. I opened all the panels, everything was fine. I tried to fax again, and it wouldn't let me. I ended up pushing a bunch of buttons and it disappeared.

I was able to send the fax again, and it went through properly this time. Then the fax report printed and when that was done I got a constant beeping noise, followed by the "document jam" message again. I opened all the panels and nothing was wrong, in fact, I could see clearly from one side of the machine to the other. The beeping would not stop, and I was so angry that I turned the power off on the machine and walked away.

An hour later, I listed to my office mates turn the fax machine on and go through the same thing.
All I can say, is that these scenes from office space depict my battle with the machine perfectly!




Thursday, October 8, 2009

Art, trash or treasure?

I came across this picture on evilmilk.com, and immediately saved it to my pictures. Initially I could not figure out why I was so taken by it, then I realized that it spoke a level of truth to me however, I understand if not everyone agrees.

I consider myself to be a "somewhat cultured" individual, but for some reason I don't really appreciate the arts that require no talent. I love music, but I have no tolerance for "noise". I think musical instruments are meant to be played, not played with. I play the piano, but only for myself, and for this I have been called "selfish". I appreciate all forms of theatre and especially enjoy musicals. I appreciate the written word, but I have no patience for poetry that doesn't seem to make sense. I love paintings, but I guess I don't see over-priced finger paintings as poignant, raw or realistic.

I have tried to "expand" my horizons, and I have introduced myself to the "fringe element", to no avail. You can call me narrow minded, or call me selfish, or even unappreciative, I just know what I like, and who I am, when it comes to art.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Sunday in my City - CIBC Run for the Cure

This past Sunday, October 4, 2009, Myself and Ms.Lovely and Iris, participated in the CIBC Run for the Cure in support of the Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation. While we all ran for different reasons, we ran for a common goal. To raise funds and support the women and their families effected by this disease, to support the research and treatment in hopes of finding a cure.
I think we all know someone effected by breast cancer, and this event is a reminder of the importance of regular self exams and clinical testing where applicable. I had my own "scare" a few years ago when I found a lump in my breast. I called my doctor, and scheduled a visit. She checked it and said that it was most likely not breast cancer, but sent me for an ultrasound to be sure. The consensus was possibly a small cyst, and it disappeared over time.
As I stood there yesterday, listening to the survivor speaker tell her story of how she found her own lump, I was thankful for my health and awareness of breast cancer. I also found myself watching the survivors in the pink shirts, some with little to no hair, walking for their own cure.
I ran in hopes that there will be a cure in my life time, so my child will not have to face the possibility of this disease.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Friday 5!

I am going to do my best to follow the Friday 5! frenzy...I don't really have an answer to all the questions, but here it goes! ;)

1. Which of your stories have you probably told the greatest number of times to the most people?
-The story about how my husband and I met.

2. What’s a story someone else often tells about you, much to your chagrin?
- a story my mother loves to tell about me when I was about 4 years old...

3. What oft-told story from a chapter in your life seems to be remembered differently by different people who were there?
- The story about how I got the scar on my face.

4. What are some of the details, without retelling the whole story, of a story you’ve told often but never to your parents?
....ummm.... <- i think i'll just leave it at that.... ;)

5. What song would be an appropriate soundtrack to the story of your most embarrassing moment?
ummm i guess i'll have to think on that one....

Friday 5!

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

My First

This is my first attempt at blogging. I don't know what exactly sparked my interest in blogging. I am not much of a writer, nor do I think that anyone REALLY cares about what is going on in my sometimes tiny head. Right now, I blame it on the pregnancy hormones!

Some years, there are more firsts than others. 2009 marks a year of some very life changing firsts for us as a couple. My husband's first attempt at post secondary education since high school some 12 years ago! This is our first pregnancy, and also the completion of my first full year in my career.

Of course, the biggest change we are facing is the arrival of our first child, about 21 weeks from now. I remember that first pregnancy test. The positive result appeared in the "result" window before the "control" window even changed colours. So, just in case, I took another one an hour later. I then sat on the couch looking at the T.V for the next 2 hours with this ridiculous grin on my face , and my heart pounding in my throat, waiting for my hubby to come home from work. I'll never forget the look on his face; one of complete excitement, and a little bit of fear, as he managed to say "are we?" as he leaned over the bathroom counter to look at the two (very positive) pregnancy tests.

We have been pushing the idea of a baby aside for a couple of years now. We tried to have a baby a few years ago, with no success, and then other things started happening in our life that became more important. Things like careers, money, education. The money was always an excellent excuse because we were not "ready". We were also enjoying the idea of "just us" because, we know that when a baby arrives, we will never be alone again. We were actually preparing for the idea of our life, without children. We knew it would be one of those things that we would always wonder about, and we even talked about adoption. Most often, we would say that the "timing" is wrong. But, when those two pink lines appeared, the mind set changed.

We quickly realized that we would never really be "ready" to have children, rather the baby decided that we are ready. As I sit here, typing this post, wondering if that "tapping" I am feeling in my tummy is the baby, I realize that despite many factors, this is perfect timing.

"...Life doesn't wait for us to get it right, day after night
It just goes on, and when it goes wrong,
it goes, and then it's gone.
So I'm gonna do my best to make the most of it
avoid regrets, take a breath,
realize that time is irreversible
this ain't no dress rehearsal... "
- Troy Verges