"... These words are my diary, screaming out loud. And I know that you'll use them however you want to..."

Monday, May 31, 2010

Kheri's Walk

Yesterday was the day. Back when we first learned that our little girl might have CF, I had said that we would participate in the Great Strides walk. Back then, I had planned to raise money by harassing neighbours and co-workers and threatening them with a dirty diaper bomb if they didn't donate. I was going to pack her up in the stroller, and we were going to attend. But, back then, I didn't know what was about to happen a few months later. I had no idea that I would be walking without Kherrington.

After Kheri died, I decided that I would participate in the event. I didn't know how far I was willing to take it, so I decided that I would at least raise money. As the pledges came in, and I had to constantly revise my goal, I decided that this was a day that I needed to be a part of. So I got the day off work, collected the last of my donations, picked up my girl Iris, and met Melly on the way, and we headed up to Bath, NB.

After we arrived, one of the organizers was making team banners, when all of the banners were complete, she looked at us and said "We have an extra banner, would you guys like to decorate one, and take it with you as a keepsake?". So Iris and I went to work on our banner. I hadn't registered a "team" because I didn't know who would be able to go, or if I would even be able to actually attend the event when I registered myself. We decorated our banner, and then the banners were all laid out on a table for people to sign.

Then we went outside, where Iris confronted her fear of the balloon clown, and Beary the Customs Bear and we had some more pictures taken. I am very proud of her, for getting as close to the bear as she did. The bear did a wonderful job, and even escorted us on our walk by riding on the back of a pickup truck.

There was an overwhelming number of people at the walk and as the walk started it was bittersweet. It actually had been sprinkling on and off and as we were just starting the walk, Iris said "She's not sure if she wants it to rain, or be sunny". Then about 1/4 of the way through, the sprinkling picked up for about 5 minutes, and Iris said "Well, here she comes!". The sprinkling did stop and everyone seemed to be enjoying the day. There were lots of kids, running and playing. Babies in strollers, brothers and sisters, Moms and Dads, Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles, friends and family all creating a sea of support as we walked through the streets of Bath.

I have a co-worker, I'll refer to her as "B", who was one of the coordinators for this event. Her son (the inspiration behind the team "Colin's Marchers"), has CF and is a going concern. He plays soccer, hockey and seems to enjoy childhood just like any other child. About half way through the walk, B walked up beside me and said "How are you doing? Isn't it great to see such a huge crowd! What a tidal wave of support we have here". I said "I'm doing alright. It is overwhelming the number of people here. It is great to see that there is this kind of support, but I'm sad at the same time that there are this many people affected by this disease".

When the walk was finished, everyone gathered for a barbecue, and the door prizes/awards presentation. I was very surprised to learn that I was the "Top Walker" for raising the most money as an individual.

I wouldn't have been able to do this without the love and support of family and friends. I am looking forward to next year's walk already. Perhaps there will be a rainbow baby involved? We'll have to see, but I know that Kheri's legacy just keeps growing. I miss her daily, and I believe her spirit is what makes me the "strong person" that everyone says I am. I don't know how "strong" I am. With lots of help, I have managed to try to carry on. I believe we don't know how strong we are, or can be, until we HAVE to be. Kheri is the first thought in my head every morning, and the last vision I have every night. But don't be mistaken, I still fall apart, every time she crosses my heart.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

PHEW! It just fizzled...

Well, I did it! I made it through my first 7 shift stretch at work! And, I managed to come out relatively unscathed. I say relatively, because on some levels it still feels wrong, but on a greater level, I know it is something I have to do.

My job is something I have worked hard for, and I love. I know that there are many who can not say the same thing, and I worked my share of shitty jobs before this one. On my first day back, there was a brief meeting with my manager, then I was right back at it. I was surprised how naturally I fell back into the "swing of things". Mind you, I am having my share of challenges with all of the changes that have taken place in the last few months. I feel as though I am scrambling to catch up, and trying to not look like an ass in the process! I am finding that lately, everything has this horrible build up. The anticipation and anxiety leading up to going back to work was incredible, then when the day came...it just fizzled. Actually, being back to work has resulted in very full days, and a week that just flew by. I plunged head first back into my work, back to what I know... well what I sort-of know until I get caught up!
On another note, there was a family wedding yesterday. One of my husband's cousins got married. It was a beautiful day for a wedding, sunny and quite warm (28 degrees Celsius). I didn't go. The hubby was working on one of his preceptorship shifts, and I just decided that I couldn't muster going alone. I had many reasons, the fact that I didn't feel "celebratory" and also I'm not ready to face everyone yet. The biggest influence was the fact that, this was another event that Kheri was going to look super cute at, in a pretty little dress, and we were going to go regardless of whether or not my hubby could go. I just couldn't go, without her, and face the two other babies that were born in the past year. So I went to Saint John and met my hubby after his shift and we went on a "date". It was a nice distraction, and we had a nice evening together.

We're entering the third month "casually" TTC. Crossing my fingers, but not too hard, my work schedule and my hubby's preceptorship schedule has us apart for the better part of the next month and a half.

I want to take a moment here, and thank all of you for your support and comments. I see I have some new followers, welcome! I am sorry that we all have to meet under these horrible circumstances, but I am so glad that you are here, to listen, to cry, to laugh, to hug, and so that we can support each other.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Hi Ho! Hi Ho! It is back to work I go.. in the midst of "the ripples".

I can't believe that 14 weeks have passed since Kherrington's "birth". I am in the process of getting ready to go back to work in a mere 36 hours. The to-do list today included polishing my boots, and pressing the creases back into my shirts. Thankfully the boots were relatively new and only had a few scuffs on them, and the shirts were new, and still had some starch in them from the warehouse.

This morning, while getting ready to go for my run, I looked out the bathroom window and could have sworn that I saw a swing set in the yard. Those of you who are familiar with our property, to the East of our home there is a "triangle" of trees, two evergreen trees, and a maple. I could have sworn I saw the top of a swing set in the triangle. Then I blinked and it was gone, and my heart broke...again. Up until this point, the day was one of the ones that fit into the "Okay" category since this shit storm started. But damn these "ripples" that cut through me without warning.

Suddenly, my heart skipped a beat and I gasped for breath, when the thought of work entered my mind. I was looking at my shirts, awaiting their "date" with a VERY hot iron and lots of steam in a few hours. I was suddenly bitter, frustrated, angry and in complete disbelief that I have to go back to work on Saturday. My immediate thoughts were

... "To hell with that! I'm SUPPOSED to be home with my 3 1/2 month old daughter this season. I'm SUPPOSED to be taking her for jogs in the stroller, instead of going out empty handed. I'm SUPPOSED to be up at all hours of the night, changing her diaper, feeding her and figuring out how to get poop out of the nice new crib sheets. I'm NOT supposed to be doing any of this. I'm NOT supposed to be returning to work. I'm NOT supposed to be running scripts in my head. I'm NOT supposed to not have her"...

So, with that, let me say that grief SUCKS! Not that anyone ever thought otherwise, but it feels good to say it. I have heard of the ripple effect, but I just wish it would all stop. I shouldn't have to wish for it to stop in the first place, because I'm not SUPPOSED to be grieving. Damn these ripples, just when you think the waters are calm, another ripple washes over you and changes everything again.

Time for a change?

Lately, I have been feeling a little restless with my blog. I haven't really had a lot to write lately, and there are times when I think "Hey, I should write a post about that", but then I never get around to it. So today, I decided to put off polishing my boots for my first day of work on Saturday, and give my blog a make-over. When I originally set up my blog, I just tried to keep it as simple as possible, so I think it is time for a change. So here it is, hopefully it will provide an eye pleasing change!

Friday, May 7, 2010

Todays bitter little pill

I just saw a commercial on TLC for "Josie's Homecoming" episode of 19 Kids and Counting. How is it that Michelle Duggar gets to have 19 kids, and I don't even get one?!? So, with that, and the wisdom of Garfield, Michelle Duggar... Bite Me!!

*** I feel that I must put a disclaimer on this, that I don't wish my circumstance on anyone, Michelle Duggar included. I'm just bitter, and frustrated that fate decided to deliver us with a shit storm of gigantic proportions.***

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

And tomorrow makes three...

So, here we are. Another month has passed, and tomorrow marks the third month since Kherrington's "birth". I don't know where the time has gone, but here we are. This flower was made for Kheri by her auntie Iris from My Life in Purple.

I am going back to work next Saturday (May 15th), and I have spent the last week or so ordering my new uniforms. I had to go up a size, apparently 3 months isn't quite enough time to drop 35 lbs of baby weight! :s There is a staff meeting all day tomorrow that I am attending, and I am hoping that it will make my first day of work less awkward. It will get my "first encounter" with my colleagues out of the way and let them know that I am walking upright, and okay to return to work. This Saturday I am planning on going to my work place, to see the changes to the office since I left, and check the contents of my locker and filing cabinet.

I just can't believe that my daughter would be three months old tomorrow. I wonder if she would have out grown the size one diapers by now? Would she enjoy the car rides to the doctors offices in Fredericton and Halifax? Would she prefer to nap in her swing? or her crib? Would she love this warm early spring we've been having? What would our two cats think of her? Just a few thoughts and questions for the day that marks the third month since I held her.