"... These words are my diary, screaming out loud. And I know that you'll use them however you want to..."

Friday, June 3, 2011

When I see you again.

I heard this song today for the first time. It is by the Canadian band Emerson Drive, and was dedicated to their former bass player who took his own life. What more can I say?

Saturday, May 28, 2011

My radio debut!

I wanted to share this with you all! The Great Strides Walk for Cystic Fibrosis Canada is tomorrow afternoon. Earlier this past week, I was approached by the organizers of the walk and asked if I could do a radio interview. This is the result! The version that aired during the news was quite a bit shorter, but still mentioned the loss of Kherrington. She is, after all, the inspiration behind our team.."Kheri's Crusaders".

So go ahead.. listen HERE (I expect that the story on their website will expire in a few days).

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Mother's Day

So, I didn't get a chance to post here last Sunday for International Baby-lost Mother's day, so I am going to do so now.

Mother's Day this year is a different experience for me compared to last year. Last year I wanted the day to just go away. I really didn't celebrate "Mother's Day" as I had just lost Kherrington, and I wasn't pregnant yet with Kaedence. I was in that "space between".

Last night we had some new friends stop by the house to drop off a few things for Kaedence. Their little girl was with them and she was just precious. She was born February 25, 2010...one day before Kherrington's due date. She was walking, screaming, climbing, laughing and playing. She was just so full of life. When I looked at her, I could see what we missed with Kherrington. I watched her play while I was feeding our rainbow. I know that without Kherrington, we wouldn't have Kaedence, and that makes this Mother's day bittersweet... I'm sure they will all be this way.

Much peace to all mother's today. Whether your babies are here in this world, or are in another.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

If heaven wasn't so far away...

As I lay here, typing this post with one hand, because I am cuddling Kherrington's little sister on my chest with the other, it is starting to "sink in"... I missed this with Kheri. Kaedence is starting to grow so quickly that I just want time to stop. I feel like I haven't had enough time with Kaedence over the past 3 weeks... or I should say, I haven't had enough positive snuggle time. It seems like every time I am holding her she is crying because she is hungry, dirty, wet or we're trying to give her a bath.. :S

Anyway, back to the purpose of my post. I heard this song the other day for the first time, and I instantly thought of Kheri.
"If Heaven wasn't so far away,
I'd pack up the kids and go for the day...
... And losing them wouldn't be so hard to take,
If heaven wasn't so far away."

*sigh* I miss her...

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Some distance...

I realized yesterday, that it has been nearly a month since my last post, and I don't know where the time has gone. Actually, that is not true, I do know. We are so focused on getting "Bump" here right now, that a lot of other things have been set aside, at least for now.

Kherrington's 13 months "dirth/birthday" slipped right past me. After her first birthday passed, I think her spirit/soul moved a little farther to allow room for her little sister to arrive. There isn't a day that goes by that we don't think about her, and she is the reason why we are so anxious for her little sister to get here. I guess, I didn't give her 13 month "dirth/birthday" much thought because in life, we don't mark birthdays by the month after the first birthday.

I have a feeling that my posts here might become even rarer over the next few months. I am finding, that as our rainbow baby's arrival draws near, I am finding it difficult to read baby-loss blogs. It makes me worry even more, to read about all the things that can go wrong during birth. Cord accidents, brain trauma, broken bones, meconium aspiration, or respiratory failure. To read about these things is just "too much" right now. I am filled with worry, and I am exhausted from it. I mentioned this to my Obstetrician yesterday and she said "you have pregnancy exhaustion right now... not physically, but mentally". I wish I could turn it off...but I have tried, and I can't. I know that after "bump" gets here, the worries will change. I am still reading MOST of your posts..but I will admit, that selfishly, I am finding it hard. I apologize to my followers, and BLMs for my absence right now, and I hope you can understand. Please know that I do think of you, your stories, and your lost little ones. Who knows, maybe after "bump" arrives, I will need to write more... only time will tell.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Great Strides..and introducing "Kheri's Crusaders"!

It is hard to believe it, but the time has come to start collecting pledges for the Great Strides walk for the Cystic Fibrosis Canada. Last year, I collected pledges as an individual. This year, my DH and I have decided to try and assemble a team, which we have named "Kheri's Crusaders". The walk is on May 29th, 2010 and I have set our fundraising goal pretty high, but I really think we can do it. Please visit my personal page and our team's page to follow our progress, and to make a donation (if you'd like). We really appreciate all the support we can get, and every dollar counts. No donation is too small, to help support the patients and their families who fight this disease, and to remember those who have lost their fight.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Feb 6th: Her Birthday

For some reason I don't have a lot to say today. A year ago, at this time, they were getting me ready to push. Kheri was born at 10:32am after 2 1/2 hours of pushing. Today seems to bring some relief. I feel awful for saying it, but I am relieved that this First "anniversary/birthday/dirthday" (whatever it should be called) is almost over. It has been a long 3 days.

Happy First Birthday Kheri, we miss you. Be sure to smear that cake (and especially the frosting) EVERYWHERE!

Thursday, February 3, 2011

February 3 : Her first "angel-versary"

"Angel-versary"... "Anniversary".. "Date of Death".. The list goes on and on, but there really isn't a nice way to say "This is the day my baby died". I have struggled with what to write here for some time (the last month at least), and I think I'll just let my rambling thoughts take over.

A year ago today, we thought we were just going for a "routine" ultrasound to check the fluid levels. After that, we went to prenatal, where they told us that everything on the ultrasound looked fine, and I would see my specialist the next day. The doctor decided to to a prenatal checkup, and her heart beat was gone...three hours after seeing her alive on an ultrasound. Since then, I have come to find out, that the radiologist's report of that ultrasound noted that there was fluid around the bowels. I guess, what I am struggling with, is why didn't they tell me? What did the report that the doctor was holding in his hand say? Did he lie to me? Or worse! This is a terrible thought that I have carried with me since I found out about the ultrasound report last March; Could they see that something was going horribly wrong? And did they know that because of the lack of a NICU at that hospital, and the time it would take to get to one (an hour), that my daughter would likely die, and did they just let it happen?? I have thought writing a letter to the radiologist, the ultrasound technician, and the doctor who discovered that she was gone, and ask them for an explanation. But, I know that they would likely lie to me anyway, so they don't "upset" me in my current "fragile" state.

So, as I sit here, obsessively kick counting bump's every movement (thanks to the recent ultrasound findings of low amniotic fluid), I still can't believe a year has passed since she died. In many ways, it feels like a lifetime ago. But, in other ways, it feels just like yesterday. I am procrastinating on getting the nursery ready for "Bump". As I look around that room, So much of Kheri remains. She is still, physically, in that room. I moved her ashes (concealed inside a plush teddy bear), from the crib, to the hammock with the other toys. Then I moved it 24 hours later to the little rocking chair that is a family heirloom. It didn't seem right to just push her up there with the other toys...not yet anyway. She'll probably remain in that chair for a while, as I can't imagine where else to put her. I put her memory box in the closet, because I couldn't think of another place for it where it wouldn't get covered (and ruined) by dust. Slowly, pieces of her are being moved aside to make room for her little sister. I really have a fair amount of work to do in there before "bump" arrives, and yet I continue to put it off. Bump's movements have changed in the last few days...increasing my paranoia, and certainly not making these days any easier.

We don't have anything planned yet for her "birthday", which is Sunday. I'm not sure what I want to do, what I should do, or even what I need to do on that day. We have been invited to a couple of Superbowl parties, and I have declined the invitation to one. It is too bloody cold outside to do anything there, and everything is covered by nearly a foot of snow anyway. We'll see what the day brings. I can easily see nothing happening, and I think I'd be OK with that.

A year ago today, our lives changed forever. I know that next year we will still feel the same, and even 20 years from now we will reflect on her short little life. A year ago, we discovered that she was gone, and that night I didn't sleep at all. I wrote a post in the wee hours of the morning, and I mentioned a song. That song has been playing in my head the last few days, and certainly seems appropriate. I know that every year, I will wonder, who she'd be today...

Sunny days seem to hurt the most,
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
I feel you everywhere I go.
I see your smile, I see your face
I hear you laughing in the rain.
Still can't believe you're gone.

It ain't fair you died too young.
Like a story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowing no one could take your place.
Sometimes I wonder, who you'd be today.

Would you see the world?
Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family?
I wonder, what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue,
I feel like I can talk to you
And I know it might sound crazy

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
The only thing that gives me hope..
Is I know, I'll see you again someday.

Monday, January 10, 2011

A quick Christmas reflection

I know this post is really late, but I felt it was necessary. Since the holidays, I've had a chance to reflect on the "most wonderful time of the year", and it has taken me a while to come up with something to say. Over Christmas, I did whatever I could to avoid awkward family get togethers. I didn't feel the need to honour any "traditions" this year, and with my husband working both Christmas and boxing day, I knew I wouldn't have him to go to the "dinners" with. I ended up going to my girl's(Iris, from My Life In Purple) parent's place for Christmas day. We had a quiet, laid back day, with a great meal, and "Santa" even left something for me. I am so grateful for that safe haven on Christmas day!

On boxing day, there were two family dinners, and both of them were with my hubby' family. My family lives in Ontario, and I haven't been there for Christmas in 6 years, mostly due to the 15 hour drive, and the horrible weather that can happen at that time of year. I opted to go to the meal that was closer to home, and where it would likely be more peaceful for my soul. Mostly because my hubby's grandmother hasn't been well, and I thought that I should be there. I missed the other family dinner, and looking at the pictures, I am glad that I didn't go. My hubby's cousin's both have little ones. One cousin has the eldest little girl, and she is expecting again and is due three weeks before I am. The other cousin had her little one last year just before Christmas. At last year's gathering we were all talking about what it would be like "next year" with three little girls in the house. A picture was even taken of the three little ones.

As you can see, there is someone missing from these next two pictures, and these pictures just confirmed that I had made the right decision to not attend that family dinner.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

11 months- Am I crazy?

**ATTENTION BABY LOST MOMS AND DADS, AND CARING FOLLOWERS - I am seeking your advice in this post**

So, in two days, (or on the 6th of January), 11 months will have passed since Kherrington's birth, and with only one more month until her first "birthday", I am a little "on edge". There are still many preparations that I should be doing for "bump" 's arrival, and yet I keep putting it off. I keep saying "I'll wait a few more weeks" or "don't spend money just yet", and I hate it. I hate the apprehension, I hate the tension, and I hate the fact that I just can't relax. I think I am most relaxed when "bump" is throwing a dance party in my uterus, or when there is a doppler microphone picking up her heart-beat, or when the specialist takes pictures and says "Baby looks fine". As I type this, and contemplate where this post will go, I wonder if it would be better to post it on my rainbow blog, but I think I will leave it here. I don't think I would be feeling this way if Kherrington was alive.

I am eager to have Kheri's birthday come and go. Much like most "anniversaries" and landmark events, the days leading up to it, are far worse than the actual day. I don't know what we'll do, or if we'll really do anything at all. It is difficult to really plan anything when it has the potential to be really cold, and more than likely her tree is buried under 3 feet of snow. I think maybe we'll wait until the spring, and make an addition to her "tree area"...perhaps turn it into a garden.

Kheri's passing is affecting how I want things to be after "bump" 's arrival. When we were expecting Kherrington, I think my attitude was "Well, a little privacy for a short while will be nice, but after that, the more the merrier!" I wanted Kherrington to be passed around a room full of people. But I know that with this baby it will be very different. I am feeling the need for privacy after her birth and homecoming (I know we will likely have more visitors at the hospital, than we will ever see at the house). I really feel this with our rainbow because we know that she may be our only biological child. We have discussed adoption for our second child (should we decide we want a second child), and we know that our chances of getting a new born in an adoption situation are slim to none.

I remember all too well how I felt physically after Kherrington's birth, and now, I'm trying to comprehend what it will be like to add our rainbow baby and all the emotions she will bring, to the physical discomfort. This thought makes me want to lock the door, and close the blinds. I remember my grief counsellor's warning that this rainbow's arrival might be difficult, and that it sparks a different reaction in every couple. I really don't know if my ramblings today are making any sense or not, but I guess I'm thinking more and more that I want to be able to pick and choose who visits, and when. I'm thinking that for at least the first week, that unless someone is dropping off a meal, or coming to clean my house, I think DH and I will want to spend as much time as possible with "bump", bonding and learning about her, before he has to return to work. I am wondering, and thinking, that it might be "good for the soul, when there's not a soul in sight".

**WARNING: TMI rant coming up. I know that you BLMs you can relate!**

Also, it is hard to be hospitable, or even a decent and pleasant human being, when your vagina (and entire crotch) feels like it has been repeatedly beaten with a baseball bat, and looks like it too. You walk around with ice in your underwear, you easily flood a pad when you stand up, and you're still cramping and contracting. An empty house really is needed when you are trying not to scream when you pee, while spraying yourself with a warm water bottle. I'm not even going to go into what that first bowel movement is like. Or the fact that you might think you're done in the shower, and you turn off the water, only to look down and see your legs covered in blood, and have to start all over again. I haven't included the joys of breastfeeding because I haven't experienced them. I did have the engorgement though, and the tears that come when you gently remove a bra from your engorged breasts and you feel like they just might explode. These are all the things that people never talk about when they have a baby, and facts of life, that are often not considered by those well intentioned guests who say "Smile, you just had a baby!"

Kherrington's death has forced us to become selfish. I have been re-assured by my counsellor that this selfishness is necessary for our survival as individuals and as a couple, and perhaps it was necessary all along. She said during one session "Perhaps you have spent too much time in your life worrying about hurting others, and not enough time looking after yourself, and what you want." I have been re-playing these words in my mind the last few weeks, as we prepare for the likely arrival of our rainbow.

I am hoping for some feedback from other rainbow moms, or anyone who has been around baby lost parents when they bring home a rainbow. What was your first week after your rainbow's birth like? For expectant rainbow moms, how do you feel that your angel's passing is going to affect your rainbow's "baby moon" ? I know how I feel, I guess the problem is admitting it. I guess I'm just looking for other BLMs and dads who have been there, to tell me I'm not crazy? (Feel free to tell me I'm crazy if you want to... I'll just tune it out ;P Besides, I have been told repeatedly that I'm still allowed to be selfish when it comes to this "life after a dead baby" thing. )