"... These words are my diary, screaming out loud. And I know that you'll use them however you want to..."

Monday, June 28, 2010


I seem to be hearing a lot of Rob Thomas's music on the radio lately. So I decided to investigate his most recent album entitled Cradlesong. Several songs have spoken to me on this album. "Her Diamonds" for all the BLD trying to cope with us BLM. The song "Her Diamonds" was actually written for his wife, who is battling a disease. Then there is the song "Mockingbird", because I really do wonder sometimes if we are all meant for the love of parenthood(to a live child). The song that I heard on the radio that sparked my interest was this one, called "Someday". So to all the fellow BLM and BLD out there...

"Maybe someday, We'll figure all this out,
Try to put an end to all our doubt,
Try to find a way to just feel better now, and
Maybe someday, we'll live our lives out loud,
We'll be better off somehow...someday."

** Oh, if you're wondering.. BLM = Baby lost moms; BLD = Baby lost Dads ***

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

A year already

In the middle of my jog this morning, the date crossed my mind. June 22nd. I year ago today, I went for a run. I was hoping that it would encourage my period along, since it felt like it was just about to start. After my run, there was nothing. I think that was the first moment I "knew".
I proceeded to our local Walmart, then headed home. I remember placing the test on the counter and watching the colour move across the test window. My heart was pounding in my throat, then I saw the "pregnant" line appear before the control line! My jaw dropped. I had a shower, drank some water, then tried again. Another positive. This was at 3 o'clock in the afternoon. I sat on the couch and waited for my hubby to come home. I can remember attempting to watch something on T.V. and cruising the Internet at the same time.
When my hubby came home, I pulled him to the bathroom and told him to take a look at what was on the counter. He leaned over, looked at the tests, then looked back at me and said "are we?!", with the cutest grin.
A year ago today, is when it all began.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Kheri's beach party

This past weekend my hubby and I headed to Prince Edward Island (or "the island" as Maritimers call it!) for a wedding. The wedding was lovely. A small and simple affair where the guests were encouraged to dress casually, and the ceremony took place at sunset at West Point. The wedding actually was on Friday night, so the hubby and I decided to make a weekend out of it, and stayed in Charlottetown on Saturday night.
On Saturday, we made our way up to Cavendish where we went to the nearby National park. Once down on the beach, we went to work on our masterpiece. As you can see, PEI is known for its Red Sand beaches. The earth on the entire island is red due to high iron oxide levels.
I must apologize, I know that there are other babies out there that I didn't include in our work, but know that we were thinking of everyone. The weather was VERY warm but the water was cool, and the beach was quiet. I even caught a little sun while my hubby and I were working away.

Kherrington's art!

And baby Cara...

Little Acacia...

And Gracie too...

All four angels, names in the sand, foot prints on our hearts!

As I said, I know I have some new followers that I may have missed, and for this I apologize. I'm sure we'll be back to The Island and I'll do my best to get everyone next time.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Well, It is finally here!

After about a month of procrastination, and a week of waiting, Kheri's tree was planted last week. We finally made the decision to go with a "Toba" Hawthorne. It has small double flowers that go from white to pink in the spring, and gives off small red berries in the fall. We have it planted on the front, south west portion of our property...over looking the Meduxnekeag River valley, and where we can still see it from the house. Perhaps next year, after it is well established, I'll start working on putting a garden around the tree. Here are some pictures. I apologize for the fuzzy close up of the flowers, a breeze picked up whenever I tried to take a picture of the flowers. I figure that is just our girl, stubborn, and not wanting pictures!

Sunday, June 6, 2010

4 months...already.

Wow, I can't believe that Kherrington would have been 4 months old already! I can't believe 4 months has passed already. On some levels it feels like it happened just yesterday, and on another level, it feels like a lifetime ago. So what would she be doing at this phase? Laughing? Crying? Cooing? Smiling? having tummy time? Would I be lucky enough to have her sleep through the better part of the night? ... probably not, but I can always imagine.

"When this road gets crazy,
And tries to break me,
And I've had all I can stand.
I can close my eyes no matter where I am.
And just be...Still."

Friday, June 4, 2010

Its my Birthday?... or so it seems...

Well, it is here, my 29th Birthday. A decade ago I was getting ready to head off to college. Wow, where did the time go? Every year, I find my birthday is a time of reflection on the past year (or years).

Last year, on June 5th, I had an entertaining day at work, complete with my co-worker, E's fruit pizza, and dinner out with friends. We also figure this was the day that Kheri was conceived. So here I am... one year after our journey began. My how things have changed. If you had told me a year ago that I would be a childless mother, I would have smacked you, and likely laughed at the idea of being pregnant. When I consider the circumstances of her conception, it really was a miracle. We weren't even "trying", so to speak. And now, a year later, how things have changed. The idea of being a parent (to a live baby) is a fixation as of late. The clock is ticking...LOUDLY!

I am so proud of how far we've come over the past four months since her death. Sunday marks four months since her birth, and this will be the first time on her dirth-aversary that I am working. I'm actually happy that I am working, because then I will have something to do.

I am so proud of my husband. For his success in his program, and his perserverence through this storm. And for standing beside me, and holding me up when I need it most.

I am so grateful for my girl Iris. Who knows where we'd be without her. And for all of our friends and family who "get it".

So, tomorrow, I am probably going to greet my 29th Birthday with a big 'ol "Meh". I wish I could get excited, but for some reason its just not in me. A birthday without my baby. I saw a rainbow and a small deer on the way to work this morning. The rainbow for hope of a rainbow baby, and the small deer has symbolized Kheri since her death.