"... These words are my diary, screaming out loud. And I know that you'll use them however you want to..."

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Blog-anniversary Reflection...Blog Title...and her.

Wow. A year ago today I wrote my very first blog post ever. It was appropriately called "My First", and it was written when I was 19 weeks pregnant with Kheri. Looking back today, I remember what I felt like writing that post, and how I was so excited to be pregnant. This was all written before the complications began.

Don't get me wrong, I am excited to be pregnant with this child. We are so freaking excited that we have to make sure we don't get too excited. I do miss that ignorant bliss though. I know the experience with Kheri, the entire pregnancy, her death, and life without her, will make me a better mother. In hindsight, I am glad that I continued to write and document this journey.

I have made some amazing, supportive friends along the way, who are complete strangers that are not afraid to ask questions, encourage me, and grieve with me. As I said in a previous post, it is amazing how a complete stranger can be more supportive than those in my life who think I should "just get over it and move on". And for this I thank all of you. For your patience, and listening to my ramblings from a blissfully pregnant mother to be, to a baby lost mother, to a mother carrying a rainbow (on my rainbow blog).

I revisited my first post this morning, and remembered where the inspiration for my blog's name came from. Those song lyrics are actually a song sung by Carolyn Dawn Johnson, and they are more appropriate now, more than ever. So I went this morning, and watched the video again, and I believe now, more than ever, that Kheri inspired me to name the blog "This 'aint no dress rehearsal". There are scenes in this video that of course I didn't pick up on before, especially the scene where the little girl, with dark curls, is playing the guitar with a very old man (Perhaps a Great-Grand Father to her?). Here, you watch, and judge for yourself.

That was what she taught all of us through her short life and death. You only get so many rides around the sun in this life. This life really 'aint no dress rehearsal.

Days pass me by just like moments
There here and then they're gone for good, for good
I work so hard at where I'm going
I wonder what I've missed

I can't remember the last time
I picked up the phone just to talk
For hours on end
Or sent a birthday card unbelated
Maybe I should slow down

Life doesn't wait for us to get it right
Day after night
It just goes on and when it goes wrong
It goes and then it's gone
So I'm gonna do my best
To make the most of it
Avoid regret, Yeah
Take a breath and realize
Time is irreversible
This ain't no dress rehearsal

I've always got a big to-do list
Oh, but there's so much more to do, to see
I want to
Know that I didn't leave I love yous
Trapped within my heart
There won't always be another day to
Say all the things you wanna say, so don't, don't wait
Wait for the perfect situation
It will never come around


And when the show is over
And they lay me down
I want to be remembered for the love I spread around


Saturday, September 18, 2010

Rainbow Blog

Well, I just finished setting up another blog for our rainbow. I have been wanting to post updates, but setting up the blog takes time, and of course I haven't had a lot of that lately! So go over to Carrying a rainbow, and check it out. Over the next few days, I hope to get some time to catch up on my posts over on that blog.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Where were you?

Where were you on September 11, 2001? I was in my second year of college. I had just put on my make-up and was combing my hair before class when I walked past my roommate's door and she said "Marj, come here". I stood in her doorway and watched the coverage live. We watched in horror as we saw the second plane fly into the building, and then the explosion and smoke. I was almost late for class because I stood there watching as the towers burned. By the time I got to my first class of the day, the professors told us that the first tower had collapsed. As the morning progressed, we learned of the pentagon, and the plane that went down in that Pennsylvania field, and of course, the collapse of the second tower.

Now apparently Pastor (if that is what I have to call him.. if you ask me he is the farthest thing from "a man of God" as a person can get..) Terry Jones is still threatening to burn the Koran. He is taking this day, that should be one of reflection and remembrance, and making it his own. I pray that he does not do this horrific act. I hope I don't have to stand and look at news coverage of the backlash that American and Allied Canadian troops, and embassies will experience as a result of his own personal agenda. I hope for the sake of the families of all those who perished on September 11, 2001, that he does not overshadow this important and sad day, with a pointless and evil act. He says that Islam is a violent religion because of the terrorists that call themselves followers, and the backlash he is receiving already. Well if that is the case, then he is the terrorist of the Christian world. He is not the majority,and neither are the Islamic terrorists he speaks of.

So, to return to the meaning of September 11, 2001. I send my thoughts to my American neighbours tomorrow. I hope the families have found some peace.

Monday, September 6, 2010

7 months already!

Wow, I can't believe that 7 months have passed already. Every month keeps passing quicker and quicker, and I know that time will really fly now that Kheri has found a suitable soul to send as a sibling. So we wait, we hope, and do our best to believe, and of course, we miss her.
I find it rather fitting that today, when I did my ritualistic check of CBC website, that I stumbled upon a story. I can not seem to get onto CBC right now, or else I would share it :P It is about a mother of a teenage girl who was murdered. The title said "Mother still mourns daughter's death" (or something like that.. I can't remember the exact wording). The daughter has been gone about 6 months or so I think. A lot of people don't think it is "news", except for the last few paragraphs. I shake my head at the title, and the fact that it seems to lead readers to believe that it is not OK, and that it is not normal for this mother to still be grieving. WTF do they expect!? She lost a child, and us BLM can relate to her emotions. I couldn't imagine having your child taken from you, and be left to wonder where she went, or what happened to her, and to be left with the thoughts that your child had a horrific death.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Ambivalent.. I hope not...

Wow. Our lives were tossed upside down last Wednesday morning when my husband's grandmother (Nan as she's called, and she is like a second mother to my husband) had a "significant" heart attack, followed by a less severe one. She is still in the hospital, and they are doing what they can for her, but she is 92, and doesn't want any extraneous measures taken (including further resuscitation). Nan has always said "when it is my time to go.. its my time to go".
So we have spent a lot of time at the hospital, including stopping in after work this evening. I feel guilty, because I should be able to stay longer. But I don't think I can do it every day this week while I'm working. I'll be thoroughly exhausted by Thursday (which is my next day off). I will do what I can, but I feel bad that it is not more.
So on to my story. I was at the hospital tonight and a friend of his aunt's came in to visit Nan, and she brought her neighbour with her. This woman, I will refer to as C, is very nice. We chatted about the usual stuff. The current weather, including the hurricane warnings that turned into nothing but rain and wind for us, a little bit about the upcoming election, and then the topic of my current pregnancy came up.
Then came the discussion about Kheri and what happened in February of this year. She then said "yeah, I lost one once. A little boy. It happens." She said this with an air of ambivalence that instantly irritated me. I responded with "yeah, it happens, but that still doesn't make it OK". She said "It will be OK, eventually". I said "I don't think so. At least not for me".
So that got me wondering. At what point to some baby lost moms become ambivalent, and OK? Will we be there some day? Looking back on this as a faded memory. Will we say to fresh dead-baby moms "Oh yeah, I lost one once. It was a girl. It happens". I hope not.