"... These words are my diary, screaming out loud. And I know that you'll use them however you want to..."

Monday, August 16, 2010

Could this really be our rainbow?

"...'Rainbow Baby' is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of colour, energy and hope..."

Well, it has happened. On July 31st I got a BFP (big fat positive..pregnancy test)...well, more like a faint one, but it was there just the same. Then I proceeded to test two more times over the next two days, just in case I didn't believe the first one.

I had my first appointment on August 12th. During the appointment the doctor decided to pull out the ultrasound. He had a student and wanted to show her what she should be looking for. Well of course they didn't find anything. I was only 5 weeks + 5 days along. But it made me wish they had never tried at all. They patted my arm and told me not to worry. That their equipment sucked and that it was far too early. If they really wanted to see anything they would have to do a trans-vaginal ultrasound and they didn't want to do that. So I am trying to not think about it too much, but it is hard. Some of the memories of February 3rd were right there under the surface. Shit, I was even in the same exam room that I was in when we found out Kheri was gone.

So now, here we go again. Appointments every two weeks starting September 9th(between regular checkups and ultrasounds in Fredericton). I hate the fact that I am saying "if" before everything. "If" we actually bring home a baby. "If" this turns into a bona-fide child in late March/early April of 2011. "If" we make it through the next 6 weeks, never mind the entire pregnancy. "If"..."If"..."If". I am a little bitter that I don't get to have that unfettered joy that pregnant women have. Instead, right now, I run to the bathroom at every trickle or cramp, looking for blood. And "if" this child starts moving between 16 and 20 weeks, I will be constantly counting and charting.

It has taken about 2 weeks for the "pregnant" brain to settle in. For us to start talking in terms of this child. I know that this is difficult for many of you TTC ladies to read. I pray that your TTC battles end soon, and you can join me on this rainbow journey. I need some company, just so that I know that I'm not going crazy!

I am thinking that I may start another blog for this rainbow baby. Check my profile in the coming weeks for another blog, should I start one. I want Kheri to have her own space here, and I still need a place to go to in terms of baby loss. Also, I want baby G 2.0 to have his/her own identity, separate from his/her big sister's.

For those of you who may be a Facebook friend, PLEASE, no public wall posts yet. No comments on statuses, or pictures, or anything. We still have some family who are not aware, and we will tell them and "go public" when we are ready. Isn't it funny, how virtual strangers can seem more understanding than those who are supposed to love us unconditionally? Also, if at all possible, for those of you who read this and are part of my "real" life, please minimize the public gossip. As I said, there are family and co-workers who do not know. When we are ready, we will tell them, I do not want them hearing about it through Tim Horton's/Murray's/Fusion/Pub gossip at the next table. We would still like the "mute" button on for the next little while. Please understand that I am posting it here on the unspoken understanding that most of you live in a virtual world that can lend me some support. And as for the rest of you, I can only hope that you are able to use your discretion, and common sense.

A quick smoke break

***This is an unofficial break from the regularly scheduled baby loss programming and ramblings to bring you an important message. If you think this applies to you, perhaps you should consider smoking cessation...***

Every time I see you, or a picture of you, you have a cigarette hanging from your mouth or your hand. It really is NOT attractive, or appealing. You smell, you look awful and really, it is a disgusting habit. It is NOT attractive at all. If you are trying to be "sexy", or re-create the Audrey Hepburn look, you are FAILING! You just look dirty, and gross.

When I have to walk through old cigarette butts, just to get to work, it makes me want to vomit. Pick up after yourself! I would get yelled at for dropping a kleenex on the ground, so how is it any different with your cigarette butts?

Every time you walk past me, or near me, after having a "smoke" I almost gag on the smoke that lingers on your clothing and around you. Stay outside for a minute or two after you take your last drag and get that stench off your clothing. You stink of cigarettes without the extra smoke that lingers on your clothing when you come inside. I think the smoke that lingers should be considered second hand smoke as well.

If you MUST smoke, look around you, and think of others. Perhaps you should think of quitting...before this happens to you!

Friday, August 13, 2010

To my dear...

I love you SO much. I'm so proud of you, of us, for everything we have accomplished and everything we have endured. I love the fact that I get to go through this life with you.

Five years ago today, we said "I Do".

"I'm so proud of the house we've built.
Its stronger than sticks, stones and steel.
Its not a big place sitting up high on some hill.
A lot of things may come and go,
but love never will.
Oh I'm proud, I'm of the house we've built."

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Words fail me...

So, here we are. Six months have passed since Kheri died and I have no idea what to say. I wish I had all kinds of grief metaphors, and words of encouragement for other BLM on their journey.... but there is nothing. It is raining today, and my hubby's Facebook status is " Rain seems appropriate today. I hate you, CF".

On another note, Kheri is being remembered by many today. Susan included Kheri in Gracie's birthday party, for which I am SO grateful. It is amazing how the horrors of child loss can bring perfect strangers together that have never met. I have received some notes of encouragement this morning, thanks to all who have sent those. Kheri's auntie Iris wrote another lovely tribute to Kheri. Thank you, my sister from another momma and mister, for that. Thanks to all, for the love and support over the last 6 months.

I am a fan of P!ink's music. I have heard this song on the radio a lot lately and it has been speaking to me. Especially the line that says

"Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?"

It reminds me of this blog world. The majority of my followers are perfect strangers, that I have never met, yet feel like I know. I wish we could all meet, and have dinner together. It really is amazing how sometimes, some of the people who understand and care the most, are people I have never met. Yet I have people that I know and live close, that do not understand, or care. This grief thing can be very lonely at times, especially when there are those who move away from you.

I read a post on Glow in the Woods, which I can't find right now, otherwise I would provide a link. It talks about weeding your garden, and getting rid of all the weeds that can choke out the beautiful flowers in your life. I think it may be time to really weed my garden, because some of those pesky weeds just will not go away. Time to review those priorities set back in February, when our old world ended, and this new one began.