"... These words are my diary, screaming out loud. And I know that you'll use them however you want to..."

Friday, October 15, 2010

Stormy weather

So today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day, and the weather matches my mood…stormy.

First, I had a horrible night, where I didn’t sleep longer than 2 or 3 hours at a time, and I was up to the bathroom almost every hour after 3 am, really for no apparent reason. Then I went to work, where I am frustrated because I am continually asking for help and not getting any, and with a deadline looming. We are also experiencing a “weather bomb”, lots of rain and stronger winds that we had seen when "hurricane Earl" threatened our routines. If it was a few degrees colder the driving conditions would be awful, there were tricky without any snow.

So I was browsing the Internet during my lunch break and re-visited Glow in the Woods. I find it helpful to return there on occasion, and I will admit that it has been months since I have read any posts on the forum. I found a post the spoke to me, after the recent comment made on my “Dear lost follower” post.

“I don't think we have a duty to be nice to people hitting us where it hurts…..I do not believe we owe it to anyone to keep quiet. (I'll go further-- some of the shit people say, they really should feel bad about.) I don't think the one in pain should also be responsible for gracefully articulating where and exactly how much it hurts. Luckily for me, most of my friends don't think that either.”

I think that says it all. This is my space, and I will use it however I need to. If someone doesn't like it, then don’t read it, it is that simple. Soldiers have fought and died so that we can ALL have these freedoms. We ALL have the freedom to read whatever we want and to not read whatever offends our senses. We ALL also have the choice to read it, take offense, and then go complain about it in our own way. As the phrase under my header at the top of this blog says “These words are my diary screaming out loud, and I know that you’ll use them however you want to”… But know that I will not be censored.

So peace today to all my fellow baby lost parents, and those who are share their journey. We don’t have to be quiet, we don’t have to be pleasant, but we most certainly will be better mothers, fathers and friends to those who truly love and support us. An excellent grief counsellor has taught me that we get to be, whatever we need to be in the moment. Nothing more, and certainly, nothing less.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Dear lost follower...

So, I signed into my blogger this morning and I noticed that you had stopped following my blog. I can't say as though I am surprised, I was actually more surprised when you started following it in the first place. I didn't think you cared enough, and through e-mail correspondence you told me you followed my blog because you felt that it was "heart felt"... So what changed? I don't know what could me more heart felt than sharing the most intimate moments of my daughter's birth yesterday. Moments that we have held close to us until now.

SO, is the problem that pictures of my dead daughter make YOU uncomfortable?? If that is the case you need to put on your big girl panties and take a step into reality. Is the problem that you think my blog is too depressing for your little happy reality... GET OVER IT! "Life 'aint always what you think it ought to be. 'Aint even grey but she buries her baby"...

Last year, I wrote a post that referred to you. Perhaps you didn't realize it at the time (This same post also referred to someone else as well). You did this same thing to me last year, then begged to be my friend when my daughter died. Is the problem that I didn't let you in? What do you expect? YOU cut ME out of YOUR life last year. Then when tragedy struck, you thought you could waltz back in and be my friend. NO!! You don't get to use my daughter like that!!! I told you that you could feel free to read my blog and left it at that. I am so glad now that I didn't let you completely into my life. If I could block you, I would.

You say in a recent blog post of your own that you only want to be surrounded by people who grow and change. I don't know of two other people who have grown so much in one year as my dh and I. Perhaps you should look into the mirror and see how much you have grown since high school.

You know what? I am glad you've stopped following. I no longer have to consider you as I write my posts and comment on others blogs. Good bye to a "toxic friend" as Iris would say. Please don't come back, I promise I will not let you get close...at all...

*** I would like to place a note here. To the rest of my followers, please don't think that I would ever write this about any of my BLM friends and understanding listeners who decide that they need to move on from reading my blog. This was a "special case", and a person who is manipulative and caustic. I am pissed off, and I feel stupid for ever letting this person read my blog in the first place. I should have known better. Peace to all***

Saturday, October 9, 2010

They came today...

We finally received the touched up pictures back from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. She did a great job! There are a few things I would change, if I could..I guess the biggest one would be the fact that I have to receive these pictures at all. The pictures should me happier, they should contain a screaming child, and the pictures should still be taken today..on what would be her first Thanksgiving.
But I am thankful that we have these pictures. They are the few treasures we cling to. Here are a few touched up pictures of our angel. As always, I have to put a picture of my dh and our girl from My Life In Purple.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Eight it is...

Kherrington would/should be 8 months old tomorrow. Now that we have the final autopsy results, and we are dealing with the rainbow on the way (who is a drama king/queen already!), it seems that time is flying faster than ever.

I still haven't opened the door to her room. I said I would to allow for a nice air exchange after the hot summer we had. But I figure the air exchanger is doing the work for me. I know, that if this is a boy, I'll have to pack up all of her things. If it is a girl, I will still have to pack up a few things, and re-wash everything else. I just keep putting it off (just like sharing our new secret with the Facebook world). I'll get around to it eventually, part of me doesn't want to, but I know I have to.

Happy 8 months my angel. Hope you're trying to talk up a storm up there (baby babbling)...and getting baby food EVERYWHERE!

Friday, October 1, 2010

Final Results

The specialist called this morning with the final results of Kherrington's autopsy. We had met with her in mid march and discussed the preliminary results of the autopsy, and she explained at the time that the final results would likely take 6 months.

Thankfully, there was no big suprises. Kherrington had CF, we knew that from the preliminary results. They noted the bowel obstruction, and the doctor informed me that Kheri's bowel had ruptured. That was a suprise to me. They had told us during the preliminary results that Kheri had a bowel obstruction or a twist in the bowel, and she likely bled to death internally. I guess that was the case, but I didn't equate that with the bowel actually rupturing.

The bowel ruptured... it sounds so painful. I am thankful that there were no other problems that she faced. She didn't have any chromosome problems, birth defects or other disorders. She was perfect otherwise, and always will be in our eyes.