"... These words are my diary, screaming out loud. And I know that you'll use them however you want to..."

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Two months since

So, I have managed to get WAY behind in the blog world. You see, the weather has been SO nice here over this past weekend, that I signed in this morning and realized how far behind in my reading I was. So you all know, I have read/watched all the blog posts, but I didn't comment on them. I wanted to read them all before moving on to type this post.

So, here we are again, the "6th" of the month. It is two months later, and most days I feel like the current weather outside. Sunny, warm, and breezy. The snow has melted, the grass is starting to "green up" and the tree tops are getting thicker by the minute. We have spent the last three days outside, doing much needed yard work before the bugs get bad and we spend all of our time slapping and swearing. Mostly, we are optimistic, or as optimistic as we can be. I went to the doctor last week, and got the "all clear" on the physical front.

On the emotional front, I think I'm doing better. There is the occasional trigger, but rather than crying, I just feel sad, or bitter. You see, there are MANY of my friends, co-workers, and acquaintances who are due to have their babies over the next 2 months. I have quoted this as a "bittersweet symphony". I am not bitter, or angry that they are having their babies. I am actually relieved that their pregnancies are progressing well, and the babies are born ALIVE and HEALTHY. But I feel bitter, because I don't have her. I feel jealous, and I envy them. Mostly, it just makes me wonder what I am missing. Kherrington would be 2 months old, so I wonder what her quirks would be. Would she like to be read to, or sang to? Would she be a night owl, or would I actually be able to get some sleep? Would we have taken her to the park yet? Would she be smiling a lot yet?

I also find myself getting angry. I feel angry when I hear of other women who are blissfully going through their pregnancies and seeming to take it all for granted. These are the women who are complaining that their cribs are too hard to put together, or they didn't get what they hoped for at their baby shower. I know, that baby loss barely enters into their mind. They take it as a "fact" that their baby will come home. I remember what that felt like. The excitement, the anticipation, the day dreams and all the planning. I am jealous that in another pregnancy, I will not have that feeling again. I am sure I will be waiting, but I will be waiting for the next kick or movement, and waiting for the bottom to drop out. Waiting for the worst, but hoping for the best. I know I will not have that joy that these women are experiencing, but I will try my best.

I return to work May 15th, and I am trying to get myself ready for that. I am trying to get myself physically ready. I am practicing my "script" that describes our loss. I am getting myself ready to support a co-worker who is due to have her baby any day. Her baby, will be the first newborn I will encounter and hold since Kherrington. I am so happy for her and her husband, since they have experienced a loss before this child, it gives me hope. I am grateful that they are allowing me to meet their child, and not hold back emotions. I have not decided if I am going to go see her in the hospital, or wait until she comes home. We'll see how things go when that day comes.


  1. She would have loved "baby got back"...I know it. Any girl with a mama who has junk in the trunk would love that song :)

    I don't think you ever had the blissfully unaware feeling in your first pregnancy. You were still aware of every complication...but that's you! You worry. It makes you more of a mom than anything else you do. That's BOTH of you!

    You are so strong and I love you more every day.

  2. There's so much that you'll never know when it comes to Kherrington - would she hate bacon like you do? would she be a runner? would she love the outdoors?

    The only thing you will ever know for sure is that she was never alone and was always surrounded by people who loved her.

    And I think she knew that too.

  3. I think the thing to remember is that she may not be with you physically but she is always with you !! When you find yourself thinking about her ..she made you think about her.. and when your feeling happy for no reason it's cause she sent you her love !! Or at least that is how I think about it and it does get easier it just takes time ..

  4. I hear ya! For myself, I have usually described my experience as "bittersweet" in hearing about others' pregnancies and happy, healthy children. OF COURSE I don't want anything less for anyone! That is the sweetness of pregnancy and life - it does happen, and it does work. And yes, I am bitter that it didn't work for me.

    And going back to work... sigh. I hope the "being in transition space" of thinking about returning to work is... well, what it needs to be for you. I know returning to work was a big hurdle for me(I took 9 weeks off after my loss). Trying to anticipation how others might greet me, react to my loss, etc. I found that challenging. Really appreciating those that could reach out to me, and remembering to be understanding with those that couldn't.

    As always, take good care of yourself.