"... These words are my diary, screaming out loud. And I know that you'll use them however you want to..."

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Blog-anniversary Reflection...Blog Title...and her.

Wow. A year ago today I wrote my very first blog post ever. It was appropriately called "My First", and it was written when I was 19 weeks pregnant with Kheri. Looking back today, I remember what I felt like writing that post, and how I was so excited to be pregnant. This was all written before the complications began.

Don't get me wrong, I am excited to be pregnant with this child. We are so freaking excited that we have to make sure we don't get too excited. I do miss that ignorant bliss though. I know the experience with Kheri, the entire pregnancy, her death, and life without her, will make me a better mother. In hindsight, I am glad that I continued to write and document this journey.

I have made some amazing, supportive friends along the way, who are complete strangers that are not afraid to ask questions, encourage me, and grieve with me. As I said in a previous post, it is amazing how a complete stranger can be more supportive than those in my life who think I should "just get over it and move on". And for this I thank all of you. For your patience, and listening to my ramblings from a blissfully pregnant mother to be, to a baby lost mother, to a mother carrying a rainbow (on my rainbow blog).

I revisited my first post this morning, and remembered where the inspiration for my blog's name came from. Those song lyrics are actually a song sung by Carolyn Dawn Johnson, and they are more appropriate now, more than ever. So I went this morning, and watched the video again, and I believe now, more than ever, that Kheri inspired me to name the blog "This 'aint no dress rehearsal". There are scenes in this video that of course I didn't pick up on before, especially the scene where the little girl, with dark curls, is playing the guitar with a very old man (Perhaps a Great-Grand Father to her?). Here, you watch, and judge for yourself.

That was what she taught all of us through her short life and death. You only get so many rides around the sun in this life. This life really 'aint no dress rehearsal.

Days pass me by just like moments
There here and then they're gone for good, for good
I work so hard at where I'm going
I wonder what I've missed

I can't remember the last time
I picked up the phone just to talk
For hours on end
Or sent a birthday card unbelated
Maybe I should slow down

Life doesn't wait for us to get it right
Day after night
It just goes on and when it goes wrong
It goes and then it's gone
So I'm gonna do my best
To make the most of it
Avoid regret, Yeah
Take a breath and realize
Time is irreversible
This ain't no dress rehearsal

I've always got a big to-do list
Oh, but there's so much more to do, to see
I want to
Know that I didn't leave I love yous
Trapped within my heart
There won't always be another day to
Say all the things you wanna say, so don't, don't wait
Wait for the perfect situation
It will never come around


And when the show is over
And they lay me down
I want to be remembered for the love I spread around



  1. That little girl was definitely how I pictured Kehi so beautiful!!! I want to thank her for helping me become a better mother and teaching me how to enjoy all the small stuff also to take nothing for granted. I want to thank you Marj for letting me into your heart and for allowing me ride this difficult journey with you. I feel now, more then ever that you have climbed that mountain and will find that amazing rainbow on the other side waiting for....Hugs

  2. Looking back today, I remember what I felt like writing that post, and how I was so excited to be pregnant.