"... These words are my diary, screaming out loud. And I know that you'll use them however you want to..."

Friday, October 15, 2010

Stormy weather

So today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day, and the weather matches my mood…stormy.

First, I had a horrible night, where I didn’t sleep longer than 2 or 3 hours at a time, and I was up to the bathroom almost every hour after 3 am, really for no apparent reason. Then I went to work, where I am frustrated because I am continually asking for help and not getting any, and with a deadline looming. We are also experiencing a “weather bomb”, lots of rain and stronger winds that we had seen when "hurricane Earl" threatened our routines. If it was a few degrees colder the driving conditions would be awful, there were tricky without any snow.

So I was browsing the Internet during my lunch break and re-visited Glow in the Woods. I find it helpful to return there on occasion, and I will admit that it has been months since I have read any posts on the forum. I found a post the spoke to me, after the recent comment made on my “Dear lost follower” post.

“I don't think we have a duty to be nice to people hitting us where it hurts…..I do not believe we owe it to anyone to keep quiet. (I'll go further-- some of the shit people say, they really should feel bad about.) I don't think the one in pain should also be responsible for gracefully articulating where and exactly how much it hurts. Luckily for me, most of my friends don't think that either.”

I think that says it all. This is my space, and I will use it however I need to. If someone doesn't like it, then don’t read it, it is that simple. Soldiers have fought and died so that we can ALL have these freedoms. We ALL have the freedom to read whatever we want and to not read whatever offends our senses. We ALL also have the choice to read it, take offense, and then go complain about it in our own way. As the phrase under my header at the top of this blog says “These words are my diary screaming out loud, and I know that you’ll use them however you want to”… But know that I will not be censored.

So peace today to all my fellow baby lost parents, and those who are share their journey. We don’t have to be quiet, we don’t have to be pleasant, but we most certainly will be better mothers, fathers and friends to those who truly love and support us. An excellent grief counsellor has taught me that we get to be, whatever we need to be in the moment. Nothing more, and certainly, nothing less.

1 comment:

  1. Yes! This post of yours make me think of my next post brewing. I'm embracing some of my anger and figuring out how to work with it, and be empowered by it. Often times in the "real world" I find myself censoring myself, my thoughts, my reactions and I'm getting tired of that. It's not working for me. I'm working out how to reply honestly when someone says something as simple as "how are you?" and "do you have any kids?". We'll see what I come up with...

    XOXO to you!