"... These words are my diary, screaming out loud. And I know that you'll use them however you want to..."

Monday, February 22, 2010

Hopefully soon, I'll "run" East...

As most of you already know, I enjoy a good run/jog, especially early in the morning, when the world is just waking up. I call it a run/jog only because it depends on your own personal perception of running. I don't "push" it, and running gives me time for "me" and is excellent stress management. While I was pregnant, I was able to continue running up until I was 22 weeks along, until the pressure on my bladder made me stop every mile looking for a bathroom! I continued walking and averaged 5km a day right up until I found out that we had lost our little girl.

I returned to the walking last Tuesday, 10 days after giving birth. I tried jogging every day, and yesterday I was able to jog short distances without supporting my body weight (to keep the pressure off my pelvic floor). Today I am sore again, so it is back to walking for a few days, then I'll try again. Today, I think I might try my first walk outdoors. While walking indoors on the treadmill, I will periodically look to my left, and I swear I see my little girl happily snoozing in her swing while I walk. That is how it is SUPPOSED to be; she is SUPPOSED to be there. Walking outside will be different, but I'm sure I will imagine her snoozing happily in the stroller. She sure did enjoy her time on the roads last summer.

I am desperately wanting to run. I just want to lace up my shoes, crank up my MP3 player, and hit the road. Running brings peace to my soul, and I'm needing peace lately. It is frustrating that I am physically unable to run right now.

This poem was sent to me by my good friend Melissa over at the Ideologies of Melissa. Right now, I'm still somewhat on the first line where "the past has not left, and the future's not mine". Every once in a while, I will get a glimpse of the future. I see my return to work in mid-May, My husband's graduation from the Paramedic Academy in July, and then Fall. When the day is long, I try, with all my might, to find something to look forward to. I know, when the time comes, and I am able to "run East", that Kherrington will always be with me. I know I will feel her in every sunrise, forever.

Today I Run East!
(A promise of HOPE)
By Barbara D. MacAdam

When I got the news, my world stood still. Like a breath in the twilight, tightly held through sheer will. So I’ve stayed in this dream state, suspended in time, where the past has not left and the future’s not mine.

Fear swells within me, and try as I might, I can’t stay where I am. I know I must fight. With a gasp my lungs burn, as I climb to my feet, but which way should I run—toward the West or toward the East?

The West holds my dreams & joys of my past. They are trapped in the sunset—how long would I last? I’d have to keep running just to stay in the light, but I’m growing so weary. I need help with this fight!

I rest my eyes briefly, lying prostrate due west, mourning precious time spent on this futile quest. The dark at my back, creeping forth from the East, holds the fear of the future like a stalking beast.

My heart has grown weary. My mind cannot cope. Shattered dreams slip through fingers—I’m losing all hope. Then a small voice recanted a promise I’d heard. “Come to Me all ye weary,” you can trust in My word.

It brought back a stirring of rekindled faith. I was flooded with HOPE and began to shake. What if I stood and faced down this beast—my fear of the unknown, that loomed in the East?

It then wouldn’t matter if I froze or I ran, for God’s earth has kept spinning since all time began. So I turned toward the darkness, no longer alone, and stepped in with arms reaching, as my soul searched for home.

And though the sun set behind me. I felt inner peace, for SUNRISE will soon meet me if... today I run East!


  1. You'll get there, it just takes time. Every time you get up and get back in the race, one more small piece of you starts to fall into place. ♥

  2. That's a beautiful poem. I'm so sorry for your loss.

  3. I feel like a broken record, but again, I'm so sorry for your pain and loss. I get the need to run, and I'm sorry you can't do that either. I hope you will be able to return to it soon.