"... These words are my diary, screaming out loud. And I know that you'll use them however you want to..."

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

This is for you, Kherrington...

I started playing the piano when I was 8 years old, and took lessons up until I was 17 and could not devote enough time to practicing due to my studies. At the time, I hated it, and found myself playing songs that meant nothing to me. Now as an adult, I play what I want, when I want.

Those who know me, know that I don't play "for people". I am a perfectionist, and I am my own worst critic, and I know others may not know when I make a mistake, but I do. I find playing for others makes me so nervous, and self critical, that I just don't do it. It took quite a while for me to be able to play in front of my husband.

While I was pregnant with Kherrington, especially during the second trimester (and before my tummy got in the way), I played almost every day. I knew she could hear it, and I wanted her to find music comforting. I wanted to give her as much of a "head start" in life as I could, and I thought that allowing her to hear music in utero, would help. I also was looking forward to teaching her the basics when she was little, then I hoped she would take lessons as well. I played a lot of different pieces, including "Imagine", "Unchained Melody", "The Rose", "The Dance", "A Whole New World", and Five for Fighting's "Superman". She seemed to respond to them all to different degrees, but this one always got her going. Who knew my little angel would love Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah". I wonder if perhaps she was telling me something.

So, this one is for you Kherrington... (I only included 4 verses in my version, the lyrics are the "full" version.)

"Hallelujah" by Leonard Cohen.

Now I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this The fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you to a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah,
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Baby I have been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you.
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Maybe there is a God above,
And all I ever learned from love
Was how to shoot at someone who out drew you
It's not a cry you can hear at night,
It's not someone who has seen the light
Its a cold and a very broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

There was a time you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show it to me, do you?
And remember when I moved in you
The holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

You say I took the name in vain
I don't even know the name
But if I did, well really, what's it to you?
There's a blaze of light
In every word It doesn't matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though It all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah


  1. I love that song, and I'll never hear it without thinking of Kheri <3

  2. I'm sure you played it beautifully. Hang in there Mo. You'll get to a point where you can eventually run east. ♥

  3. Ugh, sorry the damn video wouldn't play when I first posted. You are a fantastic pianist. :)

  4. I've checked your blog out a few times but never commented because I didn't know what to say. I don't know you but I feel so deeply for you. And nothing I can say can make the pain go away. I've thought a lot about you lately and prayed for you. I hope things get easier in time. Here is a virtual (((HUG))). Hopefully that helped some.

    Can't watch videos online for the past several days for some reason but I'm sure you were wonderful!

  5. Thanks Sprinkles. Your thoughts and prayers are so greatly appreciated by both my husband and I. I will admit that I have seen your comments on other blogs, but have not had a chance to check out your blogs... I promise to reciprocate over the next few days :)

  6. I was checking in on KUKD's blog and found you and just finished reading your story. I am so sorry you know this pain. It is so early and it takes so much time.

    Genetics are a bitch. We had a son born 31/2 years ago with undiagnosed trisomy 13. It was the random genetic twist that 1 in 25,000 babies are born alive with. We didn't know until he was born that anything was wrong. He lived for 2 days. All of that time I would say he was in pain. Being intubated, flown across the state, tested etc. Though it is of little solace I imagine Kherrington did not suffer.

    At first I held on to the knowledge that our baby lived and grew inside me for 9 months. During that time I imagine he was warm and happy and close to my heart.

    Still there is no way around the sadness and pain. Just know you are not alone and though I know not you only your perticular loss and pain I would be honored to help you in any way.

    I had the ached in my forearms of wanting to hold my son for many many months after. Not an imagined feeling a real ached in my arms.

    We mommas are with you. If you have not read glowinthewoods.com yet go read when you have time-it along with kukd is the most healing-helpful writing out there.

    With Love,


  7. Oh my! you play beautifully, and I can feel the passion or your daughter in your music. I cried. this song stuck out in my head after losing my daughter, and I am glad to see it touched someone else. I am sooooo sorry for your loss! I just started reading your blog today, and you have made me cry 3 times already! I am glad you decided to continue your blog although your first response was to stop it. I started mine after losing my daughter, and I WISH I had started it when I was pregnant so I had record of all the cool things that went on, but it has been and AMAZING outlet for me.