Well, after months of waiting, the due date has arrived. I am not sure how I am supposed to feel today. I have been "warned" by my social worker/grief counsellor/ therapist that today may involve many emotions and may be a slight "set back" in my healing. I am not sure if that will be the case.
Today, was a "landmark" in our pregnancy. This was the "text-book" date given to me by the medical professionals in charge of my prenatal care. Today marked exactly 40 weeks gestation. Today, was a mere number. I really don't think Kherrington would have actually "arrived" today.
I say that she would not have "arrived" today, since she was measuring so large before she died. The day of that last ultrasound, two hours before we found out she had died, the "experts" predicted that she weighed 8lbs 6ozs (give or take a pound). I really believe that she would have, (and SHOULD have) been born some time between 38 and 39 weeks gestation, or 1 to 2 weeks ago.
To off set the mixed emotions that I am supposed to feel today, two days ago we actually brought Kherrington home. Unfortunately, we did not bring her home in a car seat. My husband has placed her in her room for now. Picking her up from the funeral home, and bringing her home did not impact me the way I thought it would. I was prepared for more tears, instead I actually felt a small sense of relief. The best way I can describe it to others, is that I feel as though I am no longer "tormented". I don't feel "at peace" yet, but I feel better knowing where she is. It is also one more step in this entire process that is now complete.
We have spent the last two days planning her memorial service. I have been told that it will give others the opportunity to get to know our daughter like we do. It will be a short service, and I hope it brings peace to us, and others who have been affected by Kherrington's passing. I am so happy to see, that good friends of ours (my husband's best friend J, and his wife K), are already changing their habits to try and spend more time with their children, and with each other. They are actively trying to stop putting things off until tomorrow, or next week, or next month, or next year. K has told me that our situation has made them step back, and prioritize their lives. This is Kherrington's gift to them, for being there through it all.
I have been receiving phone calls. After answering some of them, I may wish that I actually had caller I.D. There are sometimes when I answer the phone when I don't think that I want to talk. Many of these calls tend to come at a time when I feel like I am about to go crazy. Usually something tells me to answer, and that no matter who is on the other end of the line, it will be good for me to talk to someone. Usually, it is one of my "best-ies" on the other end of the line, just checking up on me. Other times, it may be a doctor or the social worker/counsellor/therapist. But "something" always tells me to pick up the phone.
I have heard a lot of songs lately, but I heard this one for the first time three days ago. It made me think of all the calls I have made in my life, whether they be to "chat" or to "catch up" or to "check in". I have heard from many people over the past few weeks, that they are not sure if they "should" call. To them, I say to call, and "Don't worry, or feel that you are imposing. If I don't want to talk, I will tell you". Also, when you listen to this, please know that there is no need to worry, I am not suicidal by any means, far from it! But, it applies to those who are not sure if they "should" call. You never know, the person on the other end of the line might be "glad you called".
(I apologize, but you will have to copy and paste this link into a new browser. I can not seem to get it to link through blogger :s )