Thursday, May 13, 2010
Hi Ho! Hi Ho! It is back to work I go.. in the midst of "the ripples".
I can't believe that 14 weeks have passed since Kherrington's "birth". I am in the process of getting ready to go back to work in a mere 36 hours. The to-do list today included polishing my boots, and pressing the creases back into my shirts. Thankfully the boots were relatively new and only had a few scuffs on them, and the shirts were new, and still had some starch in them from the warehouse.
This morning, while getting ready to go for my run, I looked out the bathroom window and could have sworn that I saw a swing set in the yard. Those of you who are familiar with our property, to the East of our home there is a "triangle" of trees, two evergreen trees, and a maple. I could have sworn I saw the top of a swing set in the triangle. Then I blinked and it was gone, and my heart broke...again. Up until this point, the day was one of the ones that fit into the "Okay" category since this shit storm started. But damn these "ripples" that cut through me without warning.
Suddenly, my heart skipped a beat and I gasped for breath, when the thought of work entered my mind. I was looking at my shirts, awaiting their "date" with a VERY hot iron and lots of steam in a few hours. I was suddenly bitter, frustrated, angry and in complete disbelief that I have to go back to work on Saturday. My immediate thoughts were
... "To hell with that! I'm SUPPOSED to be home with my 3 1/2 month old daughter this season. I'm SUPPOSED to be taking her for jogs in the stroller, instead of going out empty handed. I'm SUPPOSED to be up at all hours of the night, changing her diaper, feeding her and figuring out how to get poop out of the nice new crib sheets. I'm NOT supposed to be doing any of this. I'm NOT supposed to be returning to work. I'm NOT supposed to be running scripts in my head. I'm NOT supposed to not have her"...
So, with that, let me say that grief SUCKS! Not that anyone ever thought otherwise, but it feels good to say it. I have heard of the ripple effect, but I just wish it would all stop. I shouldn't have to wish for it to stop in the first place, because I'm not SUPPOSED to be grieving. Damn these ripples, just when you think the waters are calm, another ripple washes over you and changes everything again.