"... These words are my diary, screaming out loud. And I know that you'll use them however you want to..."

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Hi Ho! Hi Ho! It is back to work I go.. in the midst of "the ripples".

I can't believe that 14 weeks have passed since Kherrington's "birth". I am in the process of getting ready to go back to work in a mere 36 hours. The to-do list today included polishing my boots, and pressing the creases back into my shirts. Thankfully the boots were relatively new and only had a few scuffs on them, and the shirts were new, and still had some starch in them from the warehouse.

This morning, while getting ready to go for my run, I looked out the bathroom window and could have sworn that I saw a swing set in the yard. Those of you who are familiar with our property, to the East of our home there is a "triangle" of trees, two evergreen trees, and a maple. I could have sworn I saw the top of a swing set in the triangle. Then I blinked and it was gone, and my heart broke...again. Up until this point, the day was one of the ones that fit into the "Okay" category since this shit storm started. But damn these "ripples" that cut through me without warning.

Suddenly, my heart skipped a beat and I gasped for breath, when the thought of work entered my mind. I was looking at my shirts, awaiting their "date" with a VERY hot iron and lots of steam in a few hours. I was suddenly bitter, frustrated, angry and in complete disbelief that I have to go back to work on Saturday. My immediate thoughts were

... "To hell with that! I'm SUPPOSED to be home with my 3 1/2 month old daughter this season. I'm SUPPOSED to be taking her for jogs in the stroller, instead of going out empty handed. I'm SUPPOSED to be up at all hours of the night, changing her diaper, feeding her and figuring out how to get poop out of the nice new crib sheets. I'm NOT supposed to be doing any of this. I'm NOT supposed to be returning to work. I'm NOT supposed to be running scripts in my head. I'm NOT supposed to not have her"...

So, with that, let me say that grief SUCKS! Not that anyone ever thought otherwise, but it feels good to say it. I have heard of the ripple effect, but I just wish it would all stop. I shouldn't have to wish for it to stop in the first place, because I'm not SUPPOSED to be grieving. Damn these ripples, just when you think the waters are calm, another ripple washes over you and changes everything again.


  1. I hear you on the 'supposed to...' feeling. It's been the same some days since we lost Foster in March. I'm supposed to be an exhausted mum with a 7 week old baby, not grieving. Not TTCing again, already.

    So many things were supposed to be so different.

    At any rate - I found your blog from Glow and as a fellow Canadian I wanted to say Hi. I wish we were able to 'meet' under different circumstances.

  2. Unfortunately "supposed to be" and "actually is" sometimes turn out to be two completely different things. Life will kick the crap out of you, and - if you let it - leave you there to wither and die. Fortunately human beings tend to be strong willed and you can kick back.

    P.S. I like the new layout.

  3. I think this might become a routine for me - but I hear ya! I understand all the "supposed to be's." I had an ah-ha moment with my therapist this week. I was talking w/ her about the possibility of applying for a new job a friend told me about. She told me I didn't sound too excited. I agreed. I told her when I tell people I'm not happy in my current job, they all ask "well, what do you want to do next?" I always reply - I don't know. I'm not in the mind-set to come up with my next career change. Then my therapist named it for me (which I knew, but hadn't quite said out loud) - she said, you want to be a mom. Yup. That's it. I wish it were as easy as writing a coverletter, submitting a resume, going through an interview and magic - baby is mine! I'm not *supposed to be* looking for a new career. I'm supposed to have it already - I'm supposed to be a mom.

    I was wondering, have you been reading Knocked Up, Knocked Down? I bought the book and really enjoyed Monica's writing (which I thought I would, because I've enjoyed reading her blog too). I plowed through most of it over Mother's Day weekend as I needed to not feel alone in my experience.

    Anyways - I hope the transition back to work goes as smoothly as it can. I know it was tough for me, and now having been back for 4-5 months, it is easier, but every week I find myself struggling with how life is.

    I like the new look of your blog. Good work!

    Take good care.

  4. Hi, I feel like I know you, but I have never met you. I found my way to glowinthewoods.com for the first time today. I read your comment to "the ripples" post and I related! This year I too skipped mother's day festivities, I also run almost every morning ALONE, I am making the journey back to work 37 weeks too early and right now I should be nursing my 3 and a half month baby girl instead of writing you! We found out that our beloved little girl, Sydney, died in utero on Feb 4, 2010 (I was 34.5 weeks pregnant), and she was born still on Feb 5, 2010 at 2pm in Vancouver, Canada. We just got the final autopsy report back and there were no real findings (she had no genetic problems, she had all chromosomes present, her organs were well developed, she had a healthy placenta with no viruses or bacteria etc...). The doctors use words like tragedy, probable umbilical cord accident, rare, random, and compare her death to 'lightening striking.' In the first 2 months my internal dialogue was considerably less kind than my doctors; my self talk included terms like maternal oblivion, failure and freak. I have been working really hard with an excellent counsellor to let go of the guilt and self blame. I realized that it is not serving me and now instead of "irrational guilt" I have profound saddness, a broken heart, endless tears and soul pain. In spite of this I do find some moments of happiness in my days. I want to go forward and to try to conceive again and hope so much for a living child. I just had my third normal period so maybe we will start trying this month. I just wanted to write and to thank you for your post and letting me know that I am not alone. I will add you and Kherrington to my daily thoughts and prayers.
    Much love,
    Sarah (sarahwallace7@yahoo.ca)
    PS. I see from your blog that you are a Maritimer. I spent the first 18 years of my life in Nova Scotia and went to university in New Brunswick. Small world!

  5. Thanks for the comments and support everyone!

    Big love- yep! I follow Knocked Up Knocked Down and when I saw her book had been released, I went to Amazon.com and ordered one (it only took about 6 days to get here!). I have read it cover to cover, and depending on the day, I will read certain entries again. It kind of reminds me in a non-clincal way, that I am not the only one (unfortunately..I wish others didn't have to deal with this!). The counsellor can tell me everytime I see her that there are LOTS of other families out there, but actually reading other mama's thoughts, makes it a reality. I hope you're able to decide what you'd like to do (job) soon, but on the same note, take your time :)

  6. Hi, I'm here from glow. I'm so sorry that Kherrington isn't there in your arms. It's just not fair.

    Thinking of you. xx