"... These words are my diary, screaming out loud. And I know that you'll use them however you want to..."

Friday, June 4, 2010

Its my Birthday?... or so it seems...

Well, it is here, my 29th Birthday. A decade ago I was getting ready to head off to college. Wow, where did the time go? Every year, I find my birthday is a time of reflection on the past year (or years).

Last year, on June 5th, I had an entertaining day at work, complete with my co-worker, E's fruit pizza, and dinner out with friends. We also figure this was the day that Kheri was conceived. So here I am... one year after our journey began. My how things have changed. If you had told me a year ago that I would be a childless mother, I would have smacked you, and likely laughed at the idea of being pregnant. When I consider the circumstances of her conception, it really was a miracle. We weren't even "trying", so to speak. And now, a year later, how things have changed. The idea of being a parent (to a live baby) is a fixation as of late. The clock is ticking...LOUDLY!

I am so proud of how far we've come over the past four months since her death. Sunday marks four months since her birth, and this will be the first time on her dirth-aversary that I am working. I'm actually happy that I am working, because then I will have something to do.

I am so proud of my husband. For his success in his program, and his perserverence through this storm. And for standing beside me, and holding me up when I need it most.

I am so grateful for my girl Iris. Who knows where we'd be without her. And for all of our friends and family who "get it".

So, tomorrow, I am probably going to greet my 29th Birthday with a big 'ol "Meh". I wish I could get excited, but for some reason its just not in me. A birthday without my baby. I saw a rainbow and a small deer on the way to work this morning. The rainbow for hope of a rainbow baby, and the small deer has symbolized Kheri since her death.


  1. I've heard that the best birthdays of all are those that haven't arrived yet.

  2. Happy Birthday! I hope this year is the year for you...Have a wonderful celebration.

  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

  4. Okay...so when I tried to post a minute ago, blogger somehow deleted half of what I had typed....so here goes my second attempt. Sorry I missed your birthday yesterday...I hope it was as peaceful as it could have possibly been with some happy moments included. Hoping that the coming year brings you some peace, healing, encouragement, hope and happiness. Thinking of you today, as well, and sending many warm hugs your way.