Monday, August 16, 2010
Could this really be our rainbow?
"...'Rainbow Baby' is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of colour, energy and hope..."
Well, it has happened. On July 31st I got a BFP (big fat positive..pregnancy test)...well, more like a faint one, but it was there just the same. Then I proceeded to test two more times over the next two days, just in case I didn't believe the first one.
I had my first appointment on August 12th. During the appointment the doctor decided to pull out the ultrasound. He had a student and wanted to show her what she should be looking for. Well of course they didn't find anything. I was only 5 weeks + 5 days along. But it made me wish they had never tried at all. They patted my arm and told me not to worry. That their equipment sucked and that it was far too early. If they really wanted to see anything they would have to do a trans-vaginal ultrasound and they didn't want to do that. So I am trying to not think about it too much, but it is hard. Some of the memories of February 3rd were right there under the surface. Shit, I was even in the same exam room that I was in when we found out Kheri was gone.
So now, here we go again. Appointments every two weeks starting September 9th(between regular checkups and ultrasounds in Fredericton). I hate the fact that I am saying "if" before everything. "If" we actually bring home a baby. "If" this turns into a bona-fide child in late March/early April of 2011. "If" we make it through the next 6 weeks, never mind the entire pregnancy. "If"..."If"..."If". I am a little bitter that I don't get to have that unfettered joy that pregnant women have. Instead, right now, I run to the bathroom at every trickle or cramp, looking for blood. And "if" this child starts moving between 16 and 20 weeks, I will be constantly counting and charting.
It has taken about 2 weeks for the "pregnant" brain to settle in. For us to start talking in terms of this child. I know that this is difficult for many of you TTC ladies to read. I pray that your TTC battles end soon, and you can join me on this rainbow journey. I need some company, just so that I know that I'm not going crazy!
I am thinking that I may start another blog for this rainbow baby. Check my profile in the coming weeks for another blog, should I start one. I want Kheri to have her own space here, and I still need a place to go to in terms of baby loss. Also, I want baby G 2.0 to have his/her own identity, separate from his/her big sister's.
For those of you who may be a Facebook friend, PLEASE, no public wall posts yet. No comments on statuses, or pictures, or anything. We still have some family who are not aware, and we will tell them and "go public" when we are ready. Isn't it funny, how virtual strangers can seem more understanding than those who are supposed to love us unconditionally? Also, if at all possible, for those of you who read this and are part of my "real" life, please minimize the public gossip. As I said, there are family and co-workers who do not know. When we are ready, we will tell them, I do not want them hearing about it through Tim Horton's/Murray's/Fusion/Pub gossip at the next table. We would still like the "mute" button on for the next little while. Please understand that I am posting it here on the unspoken understanding that most of you live in a virtual world that can lend me some support. And as for the rest of you, I can only hope that you are able to use your discretion, and common sense.