Stormy weather

So today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day, and the weather matches my mood…stormy.

First, I had a horrible night, where I didn’t sleep longer than 2 or 3 hours at a time, and I was up to the bathroom almost every hour after 3 am, really for no apparent reason. Then I went to work, where I am frustrated because I am continually asking for help and not getting any, and with a deadline looming. We are also experiencing a “weather bomb”, lots of rain and stronger winds that we had seen when "hurricane Earl" threatened our routines. If it was a few degrees colder the driving conditions would be awful, there were tricky without any snow.

So I was browsing the Internet during my lunch break and re-visited Glow in the Woods. I find it helpful to return there on occasion, and I will admit that it has been months since I have read any posts on the forum. I found a post the spoke to me, after the recent comment made on my “Dear lost follower” post.

“I don't think we have a duty to be nice to people hitting us where it hurts…..I do not believe we owe it to anyone to keep quiet. (I'll go further-- some of the shit people say, they really should feel bad about.) I don't think the one in pain should also be responsible for gracefully articulating where and exactly how much it hurts. Luckily for me, most of my friends don't think that either.”

I think that says it all. This is my space, and I will use it however I need to. If someone doesn't like it, then don’t read it, it is that simple. Soldiers have fought and died so that we can ALL have these freedoms. We ALL have the freedom to read whatever we want and to not read whatever offends our senses. We ALL also have the choice to read it, take offense, and then go complain about it in our own way. As the phrase under my header at the top of this blog says “These words are my diary screaming out loud, and I know that you’ll use them however you want to”… But know that I will not be censored.

So peace today to all my fellow baby lost parents, and those who are share their journey. We don’t have to be quiet, we don’t have to be pleasant, but we most certainly will be better mothers, fathers and friends to those who truly love and support us. An excellent grief counsellor has taught me that we get to be, whatever we need to be in the moment. Nothing more, and certainly, nothing less.

Dear lost follower...

So, I signed into my blogger this morning and I noticed that you had stopped following my blog. I can't say as though I am surprised, I was actually more surprised when you started following it in the first place. I didn't think you cared enough, and through e-mail correspondence you told me you followed my blog because you felt that it was "heart felt"... So what changed? I don't know what could me more heart felt than sharing the most intimate moments of my daughter's birth yesterday. Moments that we have held close to us until now.

SO, is the problem that pictures of my dead daughter make YOU uncomfortable?? If that is the case you need to put on your big girl panties and take a step into reality. Is the problem that you think my blog is too depressing for your little happy reality... GET OVER IT! "Life 'aint always what you think it ought to be. 'Aint even grey but she buries her baby"...

Last year, I wrote a post that referred to you. Perhaps you didn't realize it at the time (This same post also referred to someone else as well). You did this same thing to me last year, then begged to be my friend when my daughter died. Is the problem that I didn't let you in? What do you expect? YOU cut ME out of YOUR life last year. Then when tragedy struck, you thought you could waltz back in and be my friend. NO!! You don't get to use my daughter like that!!! I told you that you could feel free to read my blog and left it at that. I am so glad now that I didn't let you completely into my life. If I could block you, I would.

You say in a recent blog post of your own that you only want to be surrounded by people who grow and change. I don't know of two other people who have grown so much in one year as my dh and I. Perhaps you should look into the mirror and see how much you have grown since high school.

You know what? I am glad you've stopped following. I no longer have to consider you as I write my posts and comment on others blogs. Good bye to a "toxic friend" as Iris would say. Please don't come back, I promise I will not let you get close...at all...

*** I would like to place a note here. To the rest of my followers, please don't think that I would ever write this about any of my BLM friends and understanding listeners who decide that they need to move on from reading my blog. This was a "special case", and a person who is manipulative and caustic. I am pissed off, and I feel stupid for ever letting this person read my blog in the first place. I should have known better. Peace to all***

They came today...

We finally received the touched up pictures back from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. She did a great job! There are a few things I would change, if I could..I guess the biggest one would be the fact that I have to receive these pictures at all. The pictures should me happier, they should contain a screaming child, and the pictures should still be taken today..on what would be her first Thanksgiving.
But I am thankful that we have these pictures. They are the few treasures we cling to. Here are a few touched up pictures of our angel. As always, I have to put a picture of my dh and our girl from My Life In Purple.

Eight it is...

Kherrington would/should be 8 months old tomorrow. Now that we have the final autopsy results, and we are dealing with the rainbow on the way (who is a drama king/queen already!), it seems that time is flying faster than ever.

I still haven't opened the door to her room. I said I would to allow for a nice air exchange after the hot summer we had. But I figure the air exchanger is doing the work for me. I know, that if this is a boy, I'll have to pack up all of her things. If it is a girl, I will still have to pack up a few things, and re-wash everything else. I just keep putting it off (just like sharing our new secret with the Facebook world). I'll get around to it eventually, part of me doesn't want to, but I know I have to.

Happy 8 months my angel. Hope you're trying to talk up a storm up there (baby babbling)...and getting baby food EVERYWHERE!

Final Results

The specialist called this morning with the final results of Kherrington's autopsy. We had met with her in mid march and discussed the preliminary results of the autopsy, and she explained at the time that the final results would likely take 6 months.

Thankfully, there was no big suprises. Kherrington had CF, we knew that from the preliminary results. They noted the bowel obstruction, and the doctor informed me that Kheri's bowel had ruptured. That was a suprise to me. They had told us during the preliminary results that Kheri had a bowel obstruction or a twist in the bowel, and she likely bled to death internally. I guess that was the case, but I didn't equate that with the bowel actually rupturing.

The bowel ruptured... it sounds so painful. I am thankful that there were no other problems that she faced. She didn't have any chromosome problems, birth defects or other disorders. She was perfect otherwise, and always will be in our eyes.

Blog-anniversary Reflection...Blog Title...and her.

Wow. A year ago today I wrote my very first blog post ever. It was appropriately called "My First", and it was written when I was 19 weeks pregnant with Kheri. Looking back today, I remember what I felt like writing that post, and how I was so excited to be pregnant. This was all written before the complications began.

Don't get me wrong, I am excited to be pregnant with this child. We are so freaking excited that we have to make sure we don't get too excited. I do miss that ignorant bliss though. I know the experience with Kheri, the entire pregnancy, her death, and life without her, will make me a better mother. In hindsight, I am glad that I continued to write and document this journey.

I have made some amazing, supportive friends along the way, who are complete strangers that are not afraid to ask questions, encourage me, and grieve with me. As I said in a previous post, it is amazing how a complete stranger can be more supportive than those in my life who think I should "just get over it and move on". And for this I thank all of you. For your patience, and listening to my ramblings from a blissfully pregnant mother to be, to a baby lost mother, to a mother carrying a rainbow (on my rainbow blog).

I revisited my first post this morning, and remembered where the inspiration for my blog's name came from. Those song lyrics are actually a song sung by Carolyn Dawn Johnson, and they are more appropriate now, more than ever. So I went this morning, and watched the video again, and I believe now, more than ever, that Kheri inspired me to name the blog "This 'aint no dress rehearsal". There are scenes in this video that of course I didn't pick up on before, especially the scene where the little girl, with dark curls, is playing the guitar with a very old man (Perhaps a Great-Grand Father to her?). Here, you watch, and judge for yourself.



That was what she taught all of us through her short life and death. You only get so many rides around the sun in this life. This life really 'aint no dress rehearsal.

Days pass me by just like moments
There here and then they're gone for good, for good
I work so hard at where I'm going
I wonder what I've missed

I can't remember the last time
I picked up the phone just to talk
For hours on end
Or sent a birthday card unbelated
Maybe I should slow down

Chorus
Life doesn't wait for us to get it right
Day after night
It just goes on and when it goes wrong
It goes and then it's gone
So I'm gonna do my best
To make the most of it
Avoid regret, Yeah
Take a breath and realize
Time is irreversible
This ain't no dress rehearsal

I've always got a big to-do list
Oh, but there's so much more to do, to see
I want to
Know that I didn't leave I love yous
Trapped within my heart
There won't always be another day to
Say all the things you wanna say, so don't, don't wait
Wait for the perfect situation
It will never come around

Chorus

And when the show is over
And they lay me down
I want to be remembered for the love I spread around

Chorus

Rainbow Blog

Well, I just finished setting up another blog for our rainbow. I have been wanting to post updates, but setting up the blog takes time, and of course I haven't had a lot of that lately! So go over to Carrying a rainbow, and check it out. Over the next few days, I hope to get some time to catch up on my posts over on that blog.